Farewell My Wisdom Teeth

Screen Shot 2021-09-07 at 1.45.21 AM

In less than ten hours, I’ll be having my wisdom teeth yoinked out of my mouth, and I’m likely to be out of it the rest of today. You best believe I stuffed myself for dinner like I was training for the Eating Olympics (which is also how I normally eat), because I also have to fast for this shit, and then switch to cold baby food for the next week or so. I also have to abstain from all my crispy, chewy, and spicy foods for a little while. But at least I never had to sell my nudes to finance this surgery! 

Also, um…as soon as as as possible possible?! 

The Shit I Missed

I had some entries that I was supposed to finish/write up, but Yours Bitchy got busy as of late. (“So what’s new?”–you). I’m also worn out from doing some moving crap (not moving out of my apartment, just moving my stuff out of a storage unit to another), and I’m back to making dat massage money again. So, I’m condensing all the shit I had no time to post about here.

*******

I had a long unfinished rant about Billie Eyelash’s (typo stays) quick 180 from Hot Topic poster child to bored brothel worker from the 1940s for UK Vogue. Then I realized that editing the word count of my story was the more interesting project to work on. All I will say about her new look and attitude for now is that she’s young, female, and in the music industry. And if you’re familiar with how that industry has done young female artists in the past 20 years, you should know what I’m talking about.

By the way, what is up with some of these chicks and guys today trying to be sexy but looking like the Unisom hasn’t worn off?! There’s a big difference between come-hither and straight-up looking like you need a damn nap. Marilyn Monroe would never.

********

I’m bad for being very late in this, but better late than never to say farewell to Tawny Kitaen, who passed away this past weekend. Because I’m familiar with the sophisticated subject matter that is 80s/90s Bombshells, Tawny’s name, even if I go months without hearing about her, rings a bell with me. She was THE hottie for all those Whitesnake videos back in the day, people! Nowadays, chicks get labeled a hottie if they look generically hot and twerk on their TikTok. It remains to be seen if they can live up to Tawny’s legendary video vixen status, however. (spoiler alert: they won’t)

You know that’s also how she made her entrance into the pearly gates above.

********

Speaking of unexpected passings (and here’s one for the TMFI files), pour one out for my vibrator. She quit on me at the worst ever possible time while I was using her, and if I have to tell you when that was, well, bless you. I tried recharging it (this was no battery-powered toy here) but to no avail. This is the last time I buy my vibes off of eBay! (I know, I know.)

In happier news, I got tipped a delectable $100 for this couples massage I did recently. (Vibrator-spending money–yay!) This couple is loaded–fancy gated home with a guest house that has three flat-screen TVs (!) in their living room (I know this because that’s where I massaged them) and all that good shit. My experience when it comes to tips from massaging “rich folk” is hit or miss, though. Some tip well, and others are pathetic AF tippers. For the latter, that’s one reason why those rich bitches stay rich. Luckily, the couple I saw was not one of those types.

********

In happier news not related to me, my Butterfly Hello Kitty queen got her second shot last week! The Vaccination of Mimi has begun!

A Moment Of Zen

And Now For Some Sweet Shade

sidney is hawt

That panty creamer above is NHL hockey superstar Sidney Crosby, whose hotness alone has caused my basement to be flooded many times since I first knew of him 12 years ago. Yeah, he’s also good at the stick-and-puck thing, but I never knew he could be a little shady. Some lesser in the hockey world had the nerve to drag him recently, and a reporter for the Penguins (Sid’s team) picked up this quote from Sid himself who addressed the beef:

Screen Shot 2021-04-07 at 3.00.18 PM

Sid had the opportunity to go full-on Mariah or the Patrick Roy way on that guy, but he’s not really known for being a shady ho. A scoring ho, yes. Nonetheless, it gets a solid 4 out of 5 on the Shade Scale. Tell it, Sidney! *snaps fingers*

OH GOD, WHY?!

I’m fully aware of Hollywood’s twisted fetish for ruining our childhood memories by remaking old movies and TV shows we adored in our youth. They did that with that live-action abomination known as Jem and the Holograms a couple years ago, but I never watched that cartoon as a kid (yes, I hear your shocked gasps), so it didn’t affect me. So when I saw this trending on Twitter…

Screen Shot 2021-04-07 at 7.15.37 PM

They came for my Powerpuff Girls? And made it live-action?! And Gen Z’d it?!?! Excuse me while I find a lighter so I can ignite my pubes. Also, I am so that pink-haired chick in background staring down this mess-in-the-making. The CW, which is the same network that had the nerve to reboot Dynasty so they’re no stranger to fuckery, could’ve gone with these guys at some costume shindig, called it the reboot, and I would’ve been interested!

Screen Shot 2021-04-07 at 7.32.12 PM

Brava, Oakland

With the start of the new baseball season comes THE moment we–or at least me, have all been waiting for!!

Like the happy purr of a kitten or the loud thud when Justin Bieber eats floor, the sounds of boos and trash-can banging raining down on a squad of cheaters (who, by the way, still have never been suspended a single game for cheating) is so aurally pleasing.

That final score from that game, tho. (Although I shouldn’t throw stones, given what my team did last night. Ick.)