Two Bouquets Of Hotness

Because I need to cleanse my eyes and soul after both were subjected to the awfulness that is life in 2022, here are old-school (it’s old-school to Gen Z since these pics came from when Gen Z were gleams in the eyes of their parents; meanwhile, I was in high school when those covers came out so yes I’m an old) captures of two of my favorite hotties, who went up to my then-straight sexuality and declared “you straight no mo’, honey'”, who also share a birthday today, Penelope Cruz and Jessica Alba! If you can hear a loud-ass whirr right now, that’s the fan I turned on and set on the highest setting because I need to cool mahself down after seeing those pics. (Side note: every Maxim cover and layout back then really deserved many Photoshop Awards. They airbrushed the hell out of those women, which, in J-Alba’s case, was simply not necessary.)

Envy Me, Honey

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Say hello to THE perfume that defined my wild child days during the mid to late 2000s: Gucci’s Envy Me! I’m not sure how, where, or when we were introduced, but I know its floral-fruity notes had me hooked. This smell, which I still have as you can see (albeit down to a couple tablespoons left), takes me back to some fun-ass nights. Raving and humping sweaty, semi-drunk hotties on the dance floor at Ruby Skye in SF till 6AM. Getting lap dances from Love Spell-scented strippers at Crazy Horse (I swear, Love Spell was THE choice smell of strippers back then). Cruising down Sunset Blvd and partying at Avalon Hollywood during my summer trips to LA. Ah, to be in your 20s during a time before soul-sucking shit like cell phones, social media, and Covid came into existence. About the only thing I didn’t do then was go sans panties a la Britney and Lindsay, so I guess I wasn’t that much of a wild child. But, yes, just a whiff of Gucci’s Envy Me brings all that back. That it was discontinued some time ago is criminal (as is its expensive AF resell price these days), but it could’ve been worse: it could have been reformulated. *side-eyes J’Adore perfume*

Throwback Eye Candy

With all the ugly ugly ugly going on that keeps going in the world (pandemic shit, global warming, next month’s issue of Vogue), is it any wonder why I keep turning back to the past for balm for the eyes? This week’s Throwback Thursday is brought to you by some vintage eye candy, courtesy of today’s birthday hotties, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Denise Richards!

This clip is now 10 years old?! And LOL at this vid being “age-restricted.” There’s been far worse on YT that don’t even get that warning.

Yes, I had the clip start at that part. And to think that movie was marketed to us teens back in the late 90s. Which, coincidentally, was the same time I started to question if I was really straight. Gee, I wonder why.

And It’s About Hot Mens Too

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This week’s Throwback Thursday is brought to you by this vintage Essence cover from the mid-90s that has also fulfilled my sudden craving for vintage hot mens. (Well, somewhat fulfilled–I can be insatiable in this category.) How odd that mid-90s mag covers proudly showed shirtless panty-creamers with muscles, delectably glistened skin, and nips in your face, whereas nowadays a Vanity Fair cover with Michael B Jordan almost drowning is supposed to bring the hotness. (It didn’t, which is a hard feat to accomplish when someone like MBJ is involved!) That’s reason #549 why I favor old school mag covers over the newer ones.

I Older

It’s Throwback Thursday, and like I did last year, here are some things that will reach its Silver Jubilee this year that I enjoyed when they first came out. Pass me a bag of Werthers and my Bonne Bell Lip Smackers as I pay remembrance of fun things past.

–Spice Girls mania! Platform shoes and mindlessly chanting “girl power”–it was fun to be a teen then. Well, until you did P.E. in said platform shoes; then it sucked. How I survived running laps in shoes Baby Spice would’ve approved is beyond me.

–one word: MMMBop

–two words: Da Dip

–three words: Encore Une Fois

–four words: Gettin’ Jiggy With It 

(and, look, no autotune in any of those songs)

Giga Pets. I was the proud owner of a few. I occasionally get awful flashbacks of seeing my pet get its angel wings when I least expected it. I swear, I took care of my tech fur babies and never neglected them!

–the debut of King Of The Hill, I tell ya hwat

Buffy The Vampire Slayer!!! And the rise of fierce, kick-ass female characters on TV (Buffy, Xena, and eventually Dark Angel, Alias, and, yes, the OG Powerpuff Girls). Incels be damned.

South Park, which also debuted in ’97

–Mariah’s Butterfly album

–Erykah Badu’s Baduizm album (which spawned a brief period of me imitating her with towels wrapped atop my head and body while I badly sung her songs)

–and the following albums: Supa Dupa Fly, The Velvet Rope, The Fat Of The Land, Middle Of Nowhere, Wyclef Jean Presents The Carnival, No Way Out, Share My World, and, of course, Spice World!

DARIA!

–Cover Girl makeup and that unforgettable Noxzema smell from their “Clean” makeup. 1997 was the year I first got into makeup, and thanks to those ads with Niki Taylor and Tyra Banks, I wanted to be easy, breezy, and beautiful. I grew up to be just easy.

–these bad girls:

lip smackers!

Tropical Punch and Bubble Gum were my true besties that year.

–Clinique’s Happy, which also debuted in ’97

–Body Fantasies body sprays. Raspberry and Pear were my jams, and, along with Clinique’s Happy, were smells that quickly take me back to junior high. Why those scents got discontinued and got replaced by what-dats like “Twilight Mist” (huh?) and “Romance & Dreams” (wha?!) is a major disservice to us olds who just want to relive our youth through cheap body sprays!

–these movies: Men In Black, Good Burger, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, I Know What You Did Last Summer, George Of The Jungle, Anastasia, Scream 2, and the underrated cinematic masterpiece known as Beverly Hills Ninja!

–that one time a student in my 8th grade class got a bootleg of Titanic and showed it to us during free period. I didn’t get the movie’s hype at the time and I wasn’t into Leo DiCaprio like almost all the other girls were back then.

–shopping at Mervyn’s so I can get the latest pair of ellemeno super flares. By the way, all that hype over Gen Z “bringing back bell-bottoms” needs to cease completely. Their Gen-X parents and us old millenials first brought them back in the 90s, and when we were wearing them, it was a far less polarizing time. Unlike, you know, now.

when rap music videos were supa dupa truly fire

when slow jams were romantic and sexy!

So much good good that happened in ’97, and I can’t post ’em all here. But I can say happy belated birthday to this fun megamix from Wild 107.7, broadcasted 25 years ago this month. I listened to a lot of Wild 107.7 (which moved to 94.9FM in ’97, I think) back then, so maybe I heard all this when it originally played. Or maybe not. Oh, who cares–just party!

Gems On My Gems

This week’s Throwback Thursday is not only fulfilling my need for vintage eye candy here, but also celebrating the 25th anniversary of the most ridiculously expensive tit cups to ever be created: the “Fantasy Bra” from Victoria’s Secret. It was first introduced on the chest of supermodel Claudia Schiffer (above) for VS’s 1996 Christmas catalog, with a price tag of a million dollahs. According to VS’s Wiki, only two of those gem-covered creations have been sold to this day, and 2018 was the last time the Fantasy Bra was featured. Don’t expect the bra to come back anytime soon, as VS has since underwent a brand revamp that does not include their Angels and fashion shows. 

Ideally, my fantasy bra would be the hands of a longish-haired Playgirl centerfold gently cupping my chichis (at least there won’t be any side bulge!), so a million-dollar bra covered in diamonds and gems is fine if someone gave me a mil to buy it. I don’t even know if I could afford a cubic zirconia-covered bra. Like 90s supermodels, the Fantasy Bra was at least purdy to look at. 

 

Viva Versace

If I was a rich bitch (for now I’m just a bitch), one of the things I’d blow my money on would be vintage Versace outfits. Granted, none of them would fit me properly, but I’ve always wanted to collect a few pieces from the Gianni days. Like a gown that Liz Hurley would’ve worn back in the mid-90s.

Today would’ve been the 75th birthday of Gianni Versace, so for this week’s Throwback Thursday, here are a couple of my favorite collections of his, as well as a clip of his work from VH1’s first ever Fashion Awards. Compare his designs to that of his sister Donatella’s after his untimely death in 1997; it’s like night and day.

And if you’re device malfunctions while watching these videos, it’s because it couldn’t handle all the glamour and fashun from these clips!

(Side note: I adore Claudia Schiffer, but this show alone highlights how cringe her walk was.)

Thanks And No Thanks

For this Turkey Day, instead of a pic of this year’s home-cooked feast that turned out…OK (more on this later), I must list the shit that I’ve been thankful and not so thankful for. Given how this year has turned out, I’m kind of surprised there have been some things I’m thankful for.

Bad stuff first.

*NOT Thankful For…*

–all the anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers still roaming around out there. Keep on fucking around; you’ll eventually find out.

–the one-percenters continuing to get richer. Guillotine when, dammit?

–our very, very dubious judicial system that allowed Pill Cosby to get out of jail, Orange Hitler to keep roaming around a free man dickwad, and this shit

–Game 5 of the NLDS (boooooooooo)

–the pumpkin pie recipe on the back of Trader Joe’s Organic Pumpkin Pie mix. Last year, my pie turned out lovely. But this year, I followed the TJs recipe, and here’s the result:

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It made my place smell nice during baking, but that was it. The taste was eh, and the middle was also runny. *sad face* Much disappointment, TJs. I’m following this recipe from now on!

–speaking of TJs, them not bringing back their Chocolate Pecan Pie Bar for the holidays. Booooooooo!!!

–obvious PR-concocted fluff pieces on so-called nice celebs who are bad twats behind closed doors (more on this in another post)

Now for the good shizz!

*Thankful For* 

–the scientists who created the Covid vaccines (it has to be said)

–me not catching Covid, even after returning to my massage job (and I hope I didn’t jinx myself with this)

my state’s rent relief program that helped my ass out

this verdict! (A sliver of hope from the courts. Now if the sentence can fit the crime…)

–Revlon’s Vixen nail polish. I feel fierce when I wear it, and it’s also a good dupe for Chanel’s Vamp

–me cooking a whole turkey and it turning out right. It’s been years since I cooked a whole turkey; I’ve been buying turkey breasts as they’re cheaper and easier to cook, but I couldn’t deny the 79-cents a pound sale Target had on whole birds. I followed this method, and wow did my meat taste so juicy and flavorful! (I will say that I didn’t have white wine, but I used ACV as a substitute.)

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The turkey looks nicer in person, trust. And, hey, the biscuits and stuffing also turned out well.

–me saving the last of my TJs Chocolate Pecan Pie Bar from last year. Kept it in the freezer for a year and it tasted better than this year’s pumpkin pie.

–those looooong BBC Essential Mixes from the 90s on YouTube, like the one below that lucky club-hoppers danced to 26 years ago this day. (I can’t forget it’s Throwback Thursday, even if it’s a holiday.) Now to dance away my Thanksgiving meal!

The Sleazy Ol’ Days

This week’s Throwback Thursday is brought to you by a Tumblr dedicated to 2000s-era celebrity culture, better known as Pop Culture Died In 2009! For those who miss that era of genuine yet outrageous celebrity gossip, before social media, so-called smartphones, and manufactured PR killed off the fun, PCDin2009 is for you! Ah, the no-filter days of the 3 Bs (Britney, Brangelina, and Bennifer), Jacko and Tommy Cruise going off the rails, Lindsay playing with knives and writing “Scarlett is a bloody cunt” on a bathroom wall (among all the other crazy shit she did back then), and starlets going out sans panties and flipping off paparazzi after getting wasted in the clubs…and doing it all again next week. If there was a perfume inspired by that time frame, it would be called Eau So Trashy and its smell would be a mix of spray tanner, a worn-out Ed Hardy shirt, Club LAX on a Saturday night, and Deliciously Kissable Belly Button Love Potion Fragrance from Jessica Simpson’s defunct but not forgotten “Dessert” line. And yes I’d buy a few bottles of that. Anything to remind me of my 20s.

Bonus shit for those also craving 2000s-era nostalgia: notorious hotspots of Young Hollywood back then and an insightful interview with the creator of that cool Tumblr site. 

That GIF that captures the essence of 2000s-era celeb culture courtesy of Pop Culture Died In 2009