It’s Ladies Night!

It’s HOT as Satan’s sphincter in the East Bay Area today, so to take my mind away from our current inferno, I shall gorge on Rebel ice cream, sit on a bag of frozen peas, and rewatch these Girl Power moments from the 1997 MTV VMAs (obligatory when the show mattered and had REAL stars/musicians around), which happened 25 years ago today!

If there was one single flaw from this performance, it’s that effing seated crowd that seemed not into it. Joyless fools! They couldn’t recognize the amazingness unfolding in front of them. The outfits of Kim and Left Eye that scream “QUEEN”, Da Brat entering as a badass warrior that would make the incels pop a vein, and Missy werkin’ it…I live!

If any of you miss genuine speeches with soul from entertainers, or if you want some eye balm from stumbling upon a clip from this year’s VMAs, this clip is all you need to watch. The youths in, erm, music today could never.

I’m not sure what’s more memorably wild: Busta and Martha presenting an award together, seeing Posh eek out a ultra-rare smile, or Ginger Spice going all-out campy drag with her getup. (Side note: I soooo wanted to dress like her for Halloween that year. I ended up dressing like a janky version of Sporty Spice instead. Janky Spice!) Also, no snark here, but the dedication to Princess Diana (who had perished just days before the show) was a sweet touch.

I Old

Things that will be 25 effing years old this year that I enjoyed when they originally came out:

Spice Girls’ debut album

“The Nutty Professor” (Hercules! Hercules! And the soundtrack was slammin’ too!)

“Hunchback Of Notre Dame” (hey, I was a pre-teen in ’96)

–the debut of “3rd Rock From The Sun” (and my crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt!)

–Aaliyah’s “One In A Million” album

“Independence Day”

Pop-Up Fucking Video

–also, these following shows: Moesha, Kenan & Kel, and Hey Arnold!

“Homerpalooza”!

–THE DAMN MACARENA DANCE AND THAT DAMN SONG (no link necessary)

–Fugees’ “The Score” album

“Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood” 

–2Pac’s “All Eyez On Me” album  

–Toni Braxton’s “Secrets” album

–speaking of, the start of my crush on Tyson Beckford after I saw him in Toni’s “Unbreak My Heart” video

THIS SONG AND VIDEO

–also this eternal bop and the video full of natural-looking babes (no fake titties and asses, slug lips, heavy makeup, and super-straight weaves?! Shocker!)

“Space Jam”!!!!

“Beavis & Butthead Do America”

–and, of course, this forever jam and the video that always gets me feeling FIERCE whenever I listen to it!

Just remembering all this had me sprout a gray hair or ten, but to those who say they’d rather go back to 2019 (why?) or 2009 instead of living in 2020 Part 5, you youths don’t know true halcyon days! Take me back to 1996 instead! Sure, I’d have to put up with slow-ass dial-up and that screeching sound from the modem to get the world wide web via Compuserve, but it’s not a bad trade-off when I could also enjoy all of the above and also a time when politics was less polarizing and when real supermodels graced the covers of my fashion mags.

Put It Down For Californ-i-a

Some gossip site mentioned that 25 years ago on this date, this legendary banger dropped. I checked the Wikis and they weren’t lying!

It’s been a while since I watched the video, and while my pre-teen self remembers seeing this when it premiered, there were a couple things I didn’t notice then. One: Smokey and George Clinton were in this! Two: LOL at “Oakland” being a barren wasteland 75 years from now. Don’t be surprised if that’s how it actually ends up if global warming continues to fuck up the climate. On the plus side, no more toll bridges and foggy weather. 

Obligatory 90s music videos and songs were the shit and they don’t make ’em like this anymore. You know you’ve made a rap classic when it also tops the music charts in Sweden, of all places. (Now I’m picturing well-hung hockey player Henrik Lundqvist dancing to this as a kid.) What I wish I didn’t know about this song was that Justin Timberdouche and Jimmy Failon performed it years later. WHY. If you want to truly wussify something, have both of them do a rendition of a song they should have never touched (unless if it’s a Justin Bieber song, because his songs are on the same level as them). Sheeit, Dre should’ve sued them for butchering that song, and the ghost of 2Pac should’ve haunted them after that performance, then dropped a diss track on their asses that would’ve also gone triple-platinum and swept the Grammys and further humiliating Timberdouche and Failon to where they’d be forced to retire from their careers. Oh, a bitch can dream. 

 

It’s Halloween!!!

Unless you want to risk catching something far more scarier than some pre-teen girl dressing up as a hooker rapper with an over-inflated ass and ego (OK, maybe just a little scarier) today, stay the fuck home this year. Eat yo candy in yo costume in yo home and Zoom/Facetime yo friends if you want.

As for me, I won’t give details of my costume but I know I’ll be home nursing a gimpy left leg that I don’t know how it got gimpy in the first place. (I know I turned a year older yesterday but I shouldn’t be getting this old people pain shit right away.) I’ll also be binge-watching all my favorite Halloween-themed episodes of my favorite shows. Like this (edited) gem from one of The Simpsons “Treehouse Of Horror” episodes. *sighs* When presidential parodies made you laugh instead of cringe because of how one (or both) of the guys are in reality.

Monday Jams

Nothing soothes my overworked ass (seriously, I had a busy AF past four days) than chilling with some mid-90s R&B jams to start my “weekend”. Some of the songs on my playlist right now…

Watching that “Bad Boys” movie started the craving for mid-90s R&B. (If you’re asking why was I watching that in the first place, I was in it simply for underrated 90s elegant rose petal Lisa Boyle, duh!) I was eleven years old when I first heard that song, and now I’m wondering where the fuck has the time gone and can we go back to the mid-90s when movie soundtracks, among other things, slapped?

The version of this song, the black pride in this video, and Janet’s look here is EVERYTHING.

I’d say I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t know who this girl group is. But if you proclaim to be a 90s R&B savant and you don’t know your SaDeuce, shame on you!! Give ’em a listen; they got some other bops besides this song.

Also, am I the only one who gets a kick out of seeing young women quickly break into song and dance when they see their man flirt with another chick?

I thought this song was the shizz back in ’95. Now? File this song under “Jams With A Slammin’ Beat But Oof Those Lyrics”. I didn’t know what they were singing about then, and now I don’t know why they sang about that in the first place! No wonder they were one-hit wonders! If their man had a side ho even just once, why be proud of taking his stupid cheating ass back?!?! Not even Danuel (I cannot stand the spelling of that name!) House’s soon-to-be ex-wife would stand for that.