Happy Monday

That “Bernie Sanders sitting with mittens” meme is getting played out as I type, but this version tickles me! So that’s what got LeBron’s attention in the beginning; he was looking at Benny Sanders!

I’d request for Gritty to get on that meme train while it’s still hot, but he’s more likely to eat his face mask and the mittens (seasoned with hot sauce because this is Gritty we’re talking about here) before continuing to terrorize Penguins fans.

Wang On My Mind

This week’s Hump Day is brought to you by the big schlong of superstar hockey goalie and long-time panty creamer of mine Henrik Lundqvist! Yes, you read that right! And, yes, this news is a few years old (and I discovered that gem after reading this recent post on teh Reddits), but it’s still a lot more interesting and pleasing to the eye than hearing about some smooth-brained celeb throwing a big Thanksgiving party during a damn pandemic.

Sadly, there aren’t any pictures of his hockey stick floating around the webs, but take former teammate Sean Avery’s word for it:

Screen Shot 2020-12-02 at 12.47.47 AM

Yes, I’m aware that Avery can be cray, but if he was honest enough to call his former nemesis Martin Brodeur a “fatso”, he wouldn’t lie about Hank’s wang! (Side note: I’m curious over what the next paragraph reads. Does it go into more detail about his peen?! Now I need to read Sean’s book!) And I’m sure athletes see a lot in locker rooms, and sometimes we’re lucky to get sneak peeks inside! For those who don’t follow hockey or/and sports, first up, you are missing out. And second, this is Henrik…

henrik-lundqvist-sexy (1)henrik with dog

I’ll let you finish cleaning up your genital slobber. Now picture him with a hole-wrecker and me all up on it that would make the peens of Jon Hamm and Idris Elba a little jelly. I’m not a size queen, but that’s an image that hits my five-hole.

Also, TIL that Wang also means “king” in Mandarin Chinese, and Lundqvist’s nickname is “King Henrik”, so the post title works two ways!

Ten Years Ago…

OK I’m a day late with this, but I remember where I was when this went down! And where I was happened to be at home in my former hometown, with my former roommate who didn’t give a shit about baseball so it was just me and my cat (RIP Friskie) celebrating the beginning of the greatest baseball dynasty of the 2010s! And if you think I’m spewing hyperbole, MLB Network has my back! 

About That World Series…

This baseball season was basura anyway, thanks to Covid, the Giants fucking up in the end, and that booger commissioner who thought the Houston Trash Can Bangers did nothing wrong and let all their players play till the end.

I am a little happy for Kershaw and the REAL face of baseball winning a ring, though! I’m also embarrassed by some Giants fans on Reddit right now. How the hell do you explain this shit? Goodness.

That said, let the Doggers and their humble fans be happy for finally killing off those fun 1988 jokes us Giants fans used to taunt them when they flopped badly in the playoffs the past seven seasons. It was a hard-fought season for them, with a shortened schedule, players opting out, and no cross-country traveling. I’m sure their fans are living it up around Chavez Ravine right now and hopefully they’re keeping distance and wearing masks. I know the last time Giants fans won the whole thing, us fans got to party hard with random strangers till the break of dawn without worrying about catching a serious disease because, you know, there was no pandemic at the time. We also had a parade right after and got to see the pretty faces of our champions, including three-time World Series winner and legend Madison Bumgarner, who I’m thankful was never pulled out of that Game 7.

Lest you think I’m gloating over past successes, the Bums will get a parade–just not right now. It’ll happen when Covid leaves. And yay for LA for being Title Town of the Year…but remember who did that before them!

Oh, and manager of the Rays…the best paper bags to hide your head in are at Sprouts.

Update: I prefer winners who don’t act irresponsibly during a pandemic. Geez, Dodgers.

Happy Monday

What do you do when your sports team wins a championship and you want to party with the crowds but also want to stay safe during a global pandemic? Channel your inner Bubble Boy and party on!* 

Screen Shot 2020-10-11 at 9.17.51 PM

Also, congrats to the Lakers! They were the first bouncyball team I got into. I’ll admit: I don’t stan for them anymore like I used to, and I got accustomed to the successes of Bay Area sports during the 2010s that my love for the Lakers over time had, like LeBron’s hairline, receded. But I can definitely light a celebratory blunt (I prefer to get high over drunk) for the purple and gold reaching the mountaintop again. Kobe would be proud. 

*But seriously why the hell do you want to party with a big-ass crowd of strangers during a bloody pandemic just ’cause your team won a championship?! Stop making this state look like Florida west, Laker fans! Stay the fuck home and party with yourself or your friends. 

Tweet came from here (Also, Yahoo’s webpages suuuuuuck.)

Respect

Who gives a shit about the deranged cokeheads at some summit of supreme evil cunts or who Brad Pitt is boning right now. From CBS Sports:

The NBA has announced that all three playoff games Wednesday will be postponed and rescheduled. The decision comes after the Milwaukee Bucks players did not take the court for Game 5 of their first-round series against the Orlando Magic, which was supposed to tip off at 4 p.m. ET. The protest comes in response to the shooting of an unarmed black man named Jacob Blake in Kenosha, Wisconsin, on Sunday. Shortly after the Bucks made a statement by not playing, the Rockets and Thunder decided to also not play today, as well as the Lakers and Trail Blazers...

And also…

After the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks refused to play their Wednesday afternoon playoff game in protest of a recent shooting by police in Kenosha, Wisconsin, the Brewers have joined them by deciding as a team not to take the field on Wednesday night, per Jared Diamond of the Wall Street Journal. The Brewers had been scheduled to play the Reds at home at 8:10 p.m. ET. Also according to Diamond, the Reds have agreed not to play, which means the Brewers will not be forced to forfeit the game...

Much respect to these teams standing up to the ongoing racial injustice in this country.

Also, the speeches given by Doc Rivers yesterday (yes, he does take off his mask in the vid but this is one of the very few times I’ll allow it!) and Chris Webber today deserve a listen.

Happy Slutty Monday

I almost went with posting just the first bit below, but I recently discovered the second part (via Reddit, of course), and it was too good to pass up! Double your pleasure today!

One of my favorite time-wasters is browsing through ooooooold Dlisted posts (which were a LOT funnier than what I read from that site these days). In doing so, I stumbled upon this vintage jewel of tender affection in need of requite:

the rimjob of your life!

You know you’re taking Slut Life to the next level when your choice of salad-tossing music is the rimjob-friendly vocals of Lionel Ritchie. And seeing that this ad is now 10 years old, I hope the ass-eating ho in SoHo made her Inception-themed wet dream come true.

Butt I’m also wondering where and what was Gabrielle Union doing 10 years ago…

*********

And, finally, a splooge-blast from the past, courtesy of Mickey Mantle and his favorite Yankee Stadium moment…

mantle_BJ

Wait, wait…dude got sucked off by the entire Yankee bullpen?!?! *reads the second part* Aww, damn. *puts away Freak Of The Week award*
(I am snickering over the “give as much detail…” part, though. Way to set him up, Yankee organization!)

I must give Mantle some slut points for getting a BJ during a game, but I also have to take a few points off for using his pulled groin as an excuse to not going all the way with some baseball trick. A real slut would’ve made NO excuses and gone all the way! Even Lindsay Blohan, who I’m sure hustled with her Johns with blown-out orifices before, is going “tsk-tsk” on “the all-American boy”. Mantle may be a baseball legend, but his ass would not have survived if he had to work the ho stroll.

The REAL Face of Baseball!

 

 

Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, Jackie Robinson, and Hank Aaron (these are all baseball players, for those who don’t do sports, by the way) may all be Baseball Hall-of-Famers and faces of the league during their respective primes. But I bet a bag of stadium peanuts that none of them gave impeccable stank face to a player of the opposing team like Dodgers’ relief pitcher Joe Kelly! That face is me (pre face-mask days) when I witness some basics wearing frayed skinny pants, with their dead eyes glued to their cell phones. That face is me when I see people dancing to the aural abomination known as autotuned mumble rap. And that face is most definitely me when I muffin top my favorite pair of jeans. Seriously, Joe Kelly’s stank face is the face MLB should adopt to represent the league today. A mug of the people! Mike Trout better step up his relatable mug game quick. Also, this is probably the one and only time I’m not mad someone isn’t wearing a face mask. (Stupid Covid–go be eradicated now!)

That that touching gesture of bitter bitchiness was directed against some player of the team that cheated to win the World Series against their team (and starting a bench-clearing incident afterwards, which would’ve been a brawl if there was no pandemic going on) makes this grand. That Joe also served more face in that six-second GIF than Hailey Blahwin-Bieber has done in her entire “modeling” career is also boss. And you know 2020 really has us all in the upside down as it’s got this Giants fan actually liking something from a Dodger player! *gasps*

**Update: apparently Stank Face Kelly got suspended some games for his actions in last night’s game. Meanwhile, none of the *stros have yet to face any suspensions for their cheating ways. Altogether now: WUT.

Baseball Is Back

…and as a fan, I’m ehhhhh about this shortened season of no fans in the stands and the lost chance of the Astros getting their cheating asses booed wherever they go. Can stadiums also add boos and jeers and banging trash can noises to their pre-recorded crowd noises just for the *stros?

However, after seeing this new pic of three-time World Series champion/long-time crush object of mine/dirt bike enthusiast and secret Yasiel Puig admirer Madison Bumgarner, I am aroused!! (Well, just for him–the rest of season, not so much unless my team kicks ass again, which seems to be the case for now.)

As an SF Giants fan, this pic should not arouse me at all. Seeing him in a uniform for a rival division team is a turn-off, though not as much of a turn-off as him wearing–ick–Dodger blue. That’s Elon Muskrat-in-a-bikini-and-Ugg-boots levels of turn-offery. But something about his new thiccness is getting to me. Hey, I’ve been following MadBum since 2010, and he certainly was not FlabBum last year! With baseball players staying home and waiting and waiting and waiting…and waiting for a season start date the past four months, can you blame him for gaining some pudge? Fuck, I had to work this whole time and I gained some pudge, too! (So, yes, just another day in the life of mine.)

Bummy may have sucked in his first outing for the new team he plays for now, and I do hope he repeats that kind of performance whenever he pitches against the Giants. In the meantime, yes, I still would with his new curves and swerves. But swap out that unsightly D’Backs outfit for classic Giants orange-and-black, and you hit my G-spot!

(Side note: I don’t know why the picture is off to the side like how it appears and not centered in the middle like it should be. WordPress has been wonky with the page display–or whatever it’s called–lately.)