The most loveliest ballpark in all of baseball,
AT&T Oracle Park (from the Mays entrance), showing off all the colors of Pride. (It’s even Kevin Gausman-approved!) I gotta see that in person soon!
Yours trampy got tickets to tonight’s game featuring the co-best team in
baseball the National League at the moment (and some other team). Happy Tuesday to meeeeeeeee!
Update 4/28/21: I jinxed my team! 😦
Another update 4/28: Why didn’t they do this when I was there yesterday?!?! Rabble rabble rabble!!!
With the start of the new baseball season comes THE moment we–or at least me, have all been waiting for!!
Like the happy purr of a kitten or the loud thud when Justin Bieber eats floor, the sounds of boos and trash-can banging raining down on a squad of cheaters (who, by the way, still have never been suspended a single game for cheating) is so aurally pleasing.
That “Bernie Sanders sitting with mittens” meme is getting played out as I type, but this version tickles me! So that’s what got LeBron’s attention in the beginning; he was looking at Benny Sanders!
I’d request for Gritty to get on that meme train while it’s still hot, but he’s more likely to eat his face mask and the mittens (seasoned with hot sauce because this is Gritty we’re talking about here) before continuing to terrorize Penguins fans.
This week’s Hump Day is brought to you by the big schlong of superstar hockey goalie and long-time panty creamer of mine Henrik Lundqvist! Yes, you read that right! And, yes, this news is a few years old (and I discovered that gem after reading this recent post on teh Reddits), but it’s still a lot more interesting and pleasing to the eye than hearing about some smooth-brained celeb throwing a big Thanksgiving party during a damn pandemic.
Sadly, there aren’t any pictures of his hockey stick floating around the webs, but take former teammate Sean Avery’s word for it:
Yes, I’m aware that Avery can be cray, but if he was honest enough to call his former nemesis Martin Brodeur a “fatso”, he wouldn’t lie about Hank’s wang! (Side note: I’m curious over what the next paragraph reads. Does it go into more detail about his peen?! Now I need to read Sean’s book!) And I’m sure athletes see a lot in locker rooms, and sometimes we’re lucky to get sneak peeks inside! For those who don’t follow hockey or/and sports, first up, you are missing out. And second, this is Henrik…
I’ll let you finish cleaning up your genital slobber. Now picture him with a hole-wrecker
and me all up on it that would make the peens of Jon Hamm and Idris Elba a little jelly. I’m not a size queen, but that’s an image that hits my five-hole.
Also, TIL that Wang also means “king” in Mandarin Chinese, and Lundqvist’s nickname is “King Henrik”, so the post title works two ways!
OK I’m a day late with this, but I remember where I was when this went down! And where I was happened to be at home in my former hometown, with my former roommate who didn’t give a shit about baseball so it was just me and my cat (RIP Friskie) celebrating the beginning of the greatest baseball dynasty of the 2010s! And if you think I’m spewing hyperbole, MLB Network has my back!
This baseball season was basura anyway, thanks to Covid, the Giants fucking up in the end, and that booger commissioner who thought the Houston Trash Can Bangers did nothing wrong and let all their players play till the end.
That said, let the Doggers and their humble fans be happy for finally killing off those fun 1988 jokes us Giants fans used to taunt them when they flopped badly in the playoffs the past seven seasons. It was a hard-fought season for them, with a shortened schedule, players opting out, and no cross-country traveling. I’m sure their fans are living it up around Chavez Ravine right now and hopefully they’re keeping distance and wearing masks. I know the last time Giants fans won the whole thing, us fans got to party hard with random strangers till the break of dawn without worrying about catching a serious disease because, you know, there was no pandemic at the time. We also had a parade right after and got to see the pretty faces of our champions, including three-time World Series winner and legend Madison Bumgarner, who I’m thankful was never pulled out of that Game 7.
Lest you think I’m gloating over past successes, the Bums will get a parade–just not right now. It’ll happen when Covid leaves. And yay for LA for being Title Town of the Year…but remember who did that before them!
Oh, and manager of the Rays…the best paper bags to hide your head in are at Sprouts.
Update: I prefer winners who don’t act irresponsibly during a pandemic. Geez, Dodgers.
What do you do when your sports team wins a championship and you want to party with the crowds but also want to stay safe during a global pandemic? Channel your inner Bubble Boy and party on!*
Also, congrats to the Lakers! They were the first bouncyball team I got into. I’ll admit: I don’t stan for them anymore like I used to, and I got accustomed to the successes of Bay Area sports during the 2010s that my love for the Lakers over time had, like LeBron’s hairline, receded. But I can definitely light a celebratory blunt (I prefer to get high over drunk) for the purple and gold reaching the mountaintop again. Kobe would be proud.
*But seriously why the hell do you want to party with a big-ass crowd of strangers during a bloody pandemic just ’cause your team won a championship?! Stop making this state look like Florida west, Laker fans! Stay the fuck home and party with yourself or your friends.
Tweet came from here (Also, Yahoo’s webpages suuuuuuck.)
It’s Handegg (my pet name for ‘Murican football) Season, so come down to Denver n’ meet some (masked) friends of mine! Awesom-O and Satan included! Though I am side-eyeing them for not social distancing.
Now if only an Oregon college handegg team can get the entire town of Springfield to one of their games.
Who gives a shit about the deranged cokeheads at some summit of supreme evil cunts or who Brad Pitt is boning right now. From CBS Sports:
The NBA has announced that all three playoff games Wednesday will be postponed and rescheduled. The decision comes after the Milwaukee Bucks players did not take the court for Game 5 of their first-round series against the Orlando Magic, which was supposed to tip off at 4 p.m. ET. The protest comes in response to the shooting of an unarmed black man named Jacob Blake in Kenosha, Wisconsin, on Sunday. Shortly after the Bucks made a statement by not playing, the Rockets and Thunder decided to also not play today, as well as the Lakers and Trail Blazers...
After the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks refused to play their Wednesday afternoon playoff game in protest of a recent shooting by police in Kenosha, Wisconsin, the Brewers have joined them by deciding as a team not to take the field on Wednesday night, per Jared Diamond of the Wall Street Journal. The Brewers had been scheduled to play the Reds at home at 8:10 p.m. ET. Also according to Diamond, the Reds have agreed not to play, which means the Brewers will not be forced to forfeit the game...
Much respect to these teams standing up to the ongoing racial injustice in this country.