This Is Every Frilly Layer of No

harry in a dress

I usually enjoy seeing men of all gender representations get their classic femininity on, whether it’s wearing makeup, high heels, a dress, or all three. So why does seeing that pic of Harry Styles in a dress dry up and freeze my basement? Oh, that’s right, I was never into Harry in the first place (sorry 1D fanwhores). He never did a thing for me, and whenever I see a pic of him, I’m all the more thankful that I also find women attractive. Also, the pics are bleh, but then I don’t expect US Vogue (who have not been fashion-relevant in YEARS and if you need any proof just look at the pic they used for Harry’s cover) and their current roster of ho-hum photographers to capture an otherwise rad concept properly. That may be a Vogue image, but I’m getting Target catalog vibes from it. (In fairness, Target is more fashion-relevant than Vogue.)

While it’s great that Harry has no shame in cross-dressing, I somehow can’t buy him being this generation’s gender-bending fashun music icon. It takes more than just a guy putting on a purdy dress (or a woman dressing in a man’s suit) to gender bend. And on the occasions I hear about Harry, he doesn’t seem to have the personality and spark to pull the image off.  Honey’s no Bowie or Prince or Elton; hell, he’s not even mid/late-90s Dennis Rodman, Billy Porter, or even this former hot bitch I used to swoon over (*sulks over why he had to ruin himself*).

Also, whyyyyy are my nana’s old bedskirts (that she ended up donating to a thrift store ’cause she developed better taste) his dress?! In the words of Raja and Raven, it’s an automatic boot!

Pic courtesy of Lipstick Alley (via Vogue)

And Now, A Trivial Reddit Rant…

One thing I noticed from reading Reddit this past week (that’s not political): some posters there really hate the hell out of Amber Heard. “Fuck Amber Heard that abusive bitch free Johnny Depp he innocent!!!!” was the gist from those posts, of which I saw an influx of this past weekend.

OK, yeah, Amber sucks, but Johnny sucks too. And this is coming from someone who used to adore and swoon over Johnny 15 years ago. Then, sometime around 2012-2013, all those years of drugs and booze and God-knows-what-other-shit joined forces to battle Derp’s hotness and, surprisingly, won. Him making those “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies for the 215th time didn’t help. Around the same time, he left his long-time girlfriend whom he had his children with in favor of a basic blonde old enough to be his daughter. Then I remembered his hotel trashing with ex-GF Kate Moss and those rumors of him being involved with River Phoenix’ fatal overdose at the Viper Room. But of course the smooth-brained Derp stans on Reddit trying to canonize that Indian corn-teethed, smelly scarf-covered germ bomb forgot about their deity’s past, choosing to solely focus on how evil “Amber Turd” is. Newsflash, Derp stans: 

they both suck!

And Derp and Turd deserve each other. They need to kiss and make up, preferably in their poopy bed. 

By the way, Reddit can’t knock down an abusive actress while at the same time sending all the upvotes to a sans fards pic featuring the prettiest supporter of pedo supreme Woody Allen. But I also remember seeing some notable assholes like Elon Muskrat and this Covid-stricken rapist LOSER being mentioned in the “Uplifting News” sub (which can be basura at times, but then that’s just my cynical ass talking), so here’s another side-eye to add to the overflowing buckets of side-eyes for Reddit. 

Pour One Out For My Libido

This long-ass wait to get all votes counted (which I support) in this still-ongoing presidential election race has, among other things, inadvertently drove me to participate in No-Nut November. Temporarily, of course. (And yes, I remember what I said four days ago.) I don’t even have the energy to pick up my vibrator or think fap-worthy thoughts right now!

PS: fuck the Electoral College. I said this in 2016, and it just has to be said again this year.

**Update 11/8/20: yaaaassss. I can get off again!!

Lordy I Need A Blunt

After sifting through a deluge of doomer posts (mostly inaccurate takes) on Reddit today, then checking out Twitter for updates, I think it’s best to focus on the positives from Judgement Election Day 2020.

But I must say this first: that the most important race in this election was not decided quickly in a massive defeat for Orange Hitler and that it’s supposedly close last time I checked (I’m not checking it now; it’s too late for that nerve-wracking shit) shows that regardless of who ends up being the winner, this country got mad problems. Take your pick on what/who to blame, whether it’s voter disenfranchisement, inane selfishness, or being brainwashed by right-wing propaganda. Or all three and then some. The past few years, I considered myself to be a Californian over an American, but I had hopes that this election (and not just the race for president–or evil overlord, in Chump’s case) would change that. Pfft.

Also, for those who were pinning their hopes on Florida to go blue this time, The Simpsons knew that state the whole time…

My apologies to the Floridians who did their best to turn their state blue. (Hang in there; we’ll be needing you all for the long haul!) But I needed this laugh! And having old Simpsons episodes on TV while checking out election updates online (no way was I watching the news channels) helped curbed the anxiety for me.

Onto the positives (so far)…

Oregon rules! Now if they decriminalized all that 15 years ago when I was more experimental with, uh, things, I would’ve looked like a haggard old druggie ho now, and I’m in my mid-30s.

Arizona rules in more ways than one.

Delaware rules! (And if you want to escape that pesky paywall, I recommend archive.fo)

Yay AOC!

Yaaassss

I know I’m forgetting some stuff and I hope I get to add more to this list when I wake up. Right now, I need my blunt. Now if only California could decriminalize ‘shrooms, too.

I’m Not Nervous, I’m Not Nervous*

*And by that I mean my nerves are through the damn roof and it’s only 90 minutes into Judgement Day, I mean Election Day. I cannot be the only one who believes that this country will be a different place 24 hours from now, no matter the outcome. I have my hopes but the tension is there. And I loathe that what’s supposed to be a nonviolent civil moment in our nation has turned into some of us fearing a pending brutal post-election clash between those who value human rights and democracy, and scum of the earth aka hypocritical, racist, domestic terrorist rotten asswipes. (I call it like I see it.)

I have help, though. Got my weed on standby, unfinished seasons of The Simpsons, ANTM, and Spongebob Squarepants (judge away) I haven’t watched, and I can always look to tweets like the one below for some laffs.

old nazi stuff

tweet came from here

And for those who still haven’t voted yet (and received their ballot a month ago, I should add; those who received their ballot late get a pass), I’ll side-eye you for taking so long to make up your mind later. VOTE!

I’d Still Wear It

Because my mush mind is a permanent resident in the gutter, certain thoughts ran through my head when I came across this one eyeshadow from Huda Beauty’s soon-to-be-released “Naughty Nude” palette. 

Screen Shot 2020-10-28 at 4.54.35 PM

I don’t know if “Slippery” is the right word to describe the shade of a prolapsed clacker. (I watched too much porn in the past so I should know.) “Rode Too Hard” would have been more fitting, but I think Miss Huda Kattan is saving that name if she ever works on a “Sucio AF Nude” palette. One Redditor, who has a more innocent mind than me, saw “pomegranate seeds”. Meanwhile, that sound you may have heard was a bunch of yacht girls/boys and hookers shuddering as they try to remember the number of the nearest free clinic after seeing those reddish clusters. Force of habit, I guess. I’m also wondering what the hell its texture feels like. I adore Huda’s palettes (they’re the bomb and I have a few) but I’m hoping that shade doesn’t feel like a shitty case of shingles. 

All that said…*adds palette to Xmas wish list*

About That World Series…

This baseball season was basura anyway, thanks to Covid, the Giants fucking up in the end, and that booger commissioner who thought the Houston Trash Can Bangers did nothing wrong and let all their players play till the end.

I am a little happy for Kershaw and the REAL face of baseball winning a ring, though! I’m also embarrassed by some Giants fans on Reddit right now. How the hell do you explain this shit? Goodness.

That said, let the Doggers and their humble fans be happy for finally killing off those fun 1988 jokes us Giants fans used to taunt them when they flopped badly in the playoffs the past seven seasons. It was a hard-fought season for them, with a shortened schedule, players opting out, and no cross-country traveling. I’m sure their fans are living it up around Chavez Ravine right now and hopefully they’re keeping distance and wearing masks. I know the last time Giants fans won the whole thing, us fans got to party hard with random strangers till the break of dawn without worrying about catching a serious disease because, you know, there was no pandemic at the time. We also had a parade right after and got to see the pretty faces of our champions, including three-time World Series winner and legend Madison Bumgarner, who I’m thankful was never pulled out of that Game 7.

Lest you think I’m gloating over past successes, the Bums will get a parade–just not right now. It’ll happen when Covid leaves. And yay for LA for being Title Town of the Year…but remember who did that before them!

Oh, and manager of the Rays…the best paper bags to hide your head in are at Sprouts.

Update: I prefer winners who don’t act irresponsibly during a pandemic. Geez, Dodgers.

Mini-Rant of the Day

Ya know, if Major League Baseball had a competent commissioner, cheaters would be banned from the playoffs for a certain amount of years no matter what their regular-season record is. And, as a result, the MLB playoffs would at least be enjoyable to watch. (Even if my team isn’t in it due to some horse poo that happened at the end of their season.)

This mini-rant came from this. *sighs for the A’s*

Those Bitches!!

I haven’t called out an ungrateful ho in a while. And shit’s gotten so bad that it’s not just one bitch that’s up for slaughter this time.

First up, this shit that happened at the Chiefs/Texans opener last week…

Those booing twunts are bitches two ways. They chose to attend a live game and risk worsening the pandemic. (Yes, I heard the stadium limited the amount of fans to attend, but that they still allowed fans in a stadium during a pandemic is still fuckery defined.) And they chose to boo equality when the players of both teams linked arms to show racial unity. How…how do you that? Boo people standing up for equality?! Oh, that’s right, be raised a dumbass racist. Not born–no one isn’t born a racist. But in vile circumstances, it’s sadly acquired. If you’re upset with people protesting against racial injustice over the ongoing act of racial injustice, then you got a damn problem. Those players should’ve left the field and called off the game to stick it those asswipes.

booing handegg fans

And, a slap-worthy mug that’s familiar with the chopping block…

Screen Shot 2020-09-16 at 3.54.35 PM

Click on the pic for the full story, although the headline sums it up. Do I even need to waste more of my time with J-Karen the Transphobic? Her descent into asininity continues and it is baffling. And nobody better not buy that lame excuse for a book or even get considered for a movie adaptation. Though considering it’s still 2020, it’s all wishful thinking. Gah!