Two Bouquets Of Hotness

Because I need to cleanse my eyes and soul after both were subjected to the awfulness that is life in 2022, here are old-school (it’s old-school to Gen Z since these pics came from when Gen Z were gleams in the eyes of their parents; meanwhile, I was in high school when those covers came out so yes I’m an old) captures of two of my favorite hotties, who went up to my then-straight sexuality and declared “you straight no mo’, honey'”, who also share a birthday today, Penelope Cruz and Jessica Alba! If you can hear a loud-ass whirr right now, that’s the fan I turned on and set on the highest setting because I need to cool mahself down after seeing those pics. (Side note: every Maxim cover and layout back then really deserved many Photoshop Awards. They airbrushed the hell out of those women, which, in J-Alba’s case, was simply not necessary.)

Beauty For Your Friday

e.l.f Cosmetics’ tasty collab with Chipotle enchanted me so much yesterday that I (once again) forgot to do a Throwback Thursday post. But there’s always Flashback Friday, and if you remember seeing Penelope Cruz‘ US Vogue cover when it originally dropped 20 years ago this month, congrats–you’re an old like me!

This cover had me mesmerized in more ways than one. The biggest one is the blurb “The Power Of Beauty” next to Penelope, a brown-eyed brunette Latina. It’s major because Anna Wintour usually saved such banter for WASPy blondes. (I have many issues of Vogue from the 90s, and Anna really flaunted her blonde fetish during that decade.) After seeing many images of white-bread blonde girls being touted as “beautiful” during my teen years in the mid/late 90s, seeing Penelope and those words was a breath of fresh air. 

Oh, I remember the little uproar from readers over Vogue featuring a topless woman on the cover. To this day, I find the picture classy AF. It’s only fitting that the late, great Herb Ritts captured the image (yet another reason why I loved that cover), and if any photographer knew how to do classy topless shots of women, it was him. Frankly, I’d rather see topless Penelope (“of course you would”–you) on the cover over a fully-clothed nepotism “model” or no-talent reality show basic that get on Vogue these days. I feel like who is striking the pose matters more than the pose itself.

By the way, nothing says POWER like conquering the world in nothing but a leather miniskirt. I’d do that…if I could afford a leather miniskirt. 

Just using this entry as an excuse to post the purdy pics of Penelope in her layout.  

Teen me back in March 2001 loved that cover so much, I ended up buying two copies of that issue. That issue was thiiiick, IIRC. I think it was over 500 pages; nowadays, Vogue is as thin as the range of expressions of a nepotism “model”. 2001 was also the last year Vogue had a nice mix of models and actresses on the covers, before Anna went overboard on her use of actresses for her covers the years after. (Funny that I now long for those trite actress covers of the mid/late 2000s after seeing who gets on Vogue these days.) I squealed with joy when I saw Linda Evangelista on that year’s September cover, but as much as I adore the hell out of Linda, hers was my second-favorite cover of 2001. Penelope’s still reigns that year.