Happy Monday

What do you do when your sports team wins a championship and you want to party with the crowds but also want to stay safe during a global pandemic? Channel your inner Bubble Boy and party on!* 

Screen Shot 2020-10-11 at 9.17.51 PM

Also, congrats to the Lakers! They were the first bouncyball team I got into. I’ll admit: I don’t stan for them anymore like I used to, and I got accustomed to the successes of Bay Area sports during the 2010s that my love for the Lakers over time had, like LeBron’s hairline, receded. But I can definitely light a celebratory blunt (I prefer to get high over drunk) for the purple and gold reaching the mountaintop again. Kobe would be proud. 

*But seriously why the hell do you want to party with a big-ass crowd of strangers during a bloody pandemic just ’cause your team won a championship?! Stop making this state look like Florida west, Laker fans! Stay the fuck home and party with yourself or your friends. 

Tweet came from here (Also, Yahoo’s webpages suuuuuuck.)

Monday Jams

Nothing soothes my overworked ass (seriously, I had a busy AF past four days) than chilling with some mid-90s R&B jams to start my “weekend”. Some of the songs on my playlist right now…

Watching that “Bad Boys” movie started the craving for mid-90s R&B. (If you’re asking why was I watching that in the first place, I was in it simply for underrated 90s elegant rose petal Lisa Boyle, duh!) I was eleven years old when I first heard that song, and now I’m wondering where the fuck has the time gone and can we go back to the mid-90s when movie soundtracks, among other things, slapped?

The version of this song, the black pride in this video, and Janet’s look here is EVERYTHING.

I’d say I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t know who this girl group is. But if you proclaim to be a 90s R&B savant and you don’t know your SaDeuce, shame on you!! Give ’em a listen; they got some other bops besides this song.

Also, am I the only one who gets a kick out of seeing young women quickly break into song and dance when they see their man flirt with another chick?

I thought this song was the shizz back in ’95. Now? File this song under “Jams With A Slammin’ Beat But Oof Those Lyrics”. I didn’t know what they were singing about then, and now I don’t know why they sang about that in the first place! No wonder they were one-hit wonders! If their man had a side ho even just once, why be proud of taking his stupid cheating ass back?!?! Not even Danuel (I cannot stand the spelling of that name!) House’s soon-to-be ex-wife would stand for that.

And On Monday I Smile

While my last post brought out the feels, I’m not one to feel down all the time. Even when times are tough, I try to seek out the positives in life!

So what puts a smile on my face? Well, to name a few…

*Receiving Big Tips!*

Whether they were from my regular spa job (that’s still shut down) or from my current temp delivery job, I’m grateful for those who tip me big. It doesn’t happen often as I’d like, but it’s still appreciated!

*Seeing the Giants win games*

Like they did the past two days! (Note: I can’t find a GIF of one of their recent wins, but a GIF of one of their iconic wins also gives me the happys.) I’m not sure if they’ll make the playoffs, nor am I holding my breath for it. But a win is a win and I’ll take it!

*Watching classic Simpsons episodes*

Ah, to be a pre-teen (and teen) during the Simpsons heyday…

I’d post a clip but I felt GIFs was more approp. (Yes, I know “approp” is not a word!)

*Listening to vintage Mariah & Kylie!*

*Looking at 90s fashions/fashion shows*

You can bring back 90s fashions to the present, but, not sorry to all the young celebs of today, they cannot be served like how dem 90s models & celebs served them! If anything, it should be a federal offense if some basic THOT from today tries to wear a vintage 90s couture piece!

*Beachside drives*

Even better when the sun is out! (Which is a rarity during summer on Bay Area beaches. Damn fog.)

*Pussies!*

These kinds, I mean. (The other kind also makes me smile, albeit lasciviously.)

Happy Slutty Monday

I almost went with posting just the first bit below, but I recently discovered the second part (via Reddit, of course), and it was too good to pass up! Double your pleasure today!

One of my favorite time-wasters is browsing through ooooooold Dlisted posts (which were a LOT funnier than what I read from that site these days). In doing so, I stumbled upon this vintage jewel of tender affection in need of requite:

the rimjob of your life!

You know you’re taking Slut Life to the next level when your choice of salad-tossing music is the rimjob-friendly vocals of Lionel Ritchie. And seeing that this ad is now 10 years old, I hope the ass-eating ho in SoHo made her Inception-themed wet dream come true.

Butt I’m also wondering where and what was Gabrielle Union doing 10 years ago…

*********

And, finally, a splooge-blast from the past, courtesy of Mickey Mantle and his favorite Yankee Stadium moment…

mantle_BJ

Wait, wait…dude got sucked off by the entire Yankee bullpen?!?! *reads the second part* Aww, damn. *puts away Freak Of The Week award*
(I am snickering over the “give as much detail…” part, though. Way to set him up, Yankee organization!)

I must give Mantle some slut points for getting a BJ during a game, but I also have to take a few points off for using his pulled groin as an excuse to not going all the way with some baseball trick. A real slut would’ve made NO excuses and gone all the way! Even Lindsay Blohan, who I’m sure hustled with her Johns with blown-out orifices before, is going “tsk-tsk” on “the all-American boy”. Mantle may be a baseball legend, but his ass would not have survived if he had to work the ho stroll.

Baseball Is Back

…and as a fan, I’m ehhhhh about this shortened season of no fans in the stands and the lost chance of the Astros getting their cheating asses booed wherever they go. Can stadiums also add boos and jeers and banging trash can noises to their pre-recorded crowd noises just for the *stros?

However, after seeing this new pic of three-time World Series champion/long-time crush object of mine/dirt bike enthusiast and secret Yasiel Puig admirer Madison Bumgarner, I am aroused!! (Well, just for him–the rest of season, not so much unless my team kicks ass again, which seems to be the case for now.)

As an SF Giants fan, this pic should not arouse me at all. Seeing him in a uniform for a rival division team is a turn-off, though not as much of a turn-off as him wearing–ick–Dodger blue. That’s Elon Muskrat-in-a-bikini-and-Ugg-boots levels of turn-offery. But something about his new thiccness is getting to me. Hey, I’ve been following MadBum since 2010, and he certainly was not FlabBum last year! With baseball players staying home and waiting and waiting and waiting…and waiting for a season start date the past four months, can you blame him for gaining some pudge? Fuck, I had to work this whole time and I gained some pudge, too! (So, yes, just another day in the life of mine.)

Bummy may have sucked in his first outing for the new team he plays for now, and I do hope he repeats that kind of performance whenever he pitches against the Giants. In the meantime, yes, I still would with his new curves and swerves. But swap out that unsightly D’Backs outfit for classic Giants orange-and-black, and you hit my G-spot!

(Side note: I don’t know why the picture is off to the side like how it appears and not centered in the middle like it should be. WordPress has been wonky with the page display–or whatever it’s called–lately.)

Happy Monday

I know–I have not done a Happy Monday in weeks. It will happen again.

Anyhoo, with all the ugly and awful going on in the world today, we could all use a little glamour in these try–well I’m sure you know the damn saying already. Leave it to Pat McGrath Labs’ latest ad campaign for Pat’s latest wallet-breaker to bring it. It’s for a mascara, but never mind that–the ads for it are serving everything for me! Face! Eyes! Hair! Fashion! Androgyny! And most importantly, IRINA!!!!!!!!! I’m getting Versace by Avedon in the 80s vibes from the images, and that is the kind of glamour we need right now! And you know the ads (which will no doubt get some Photoshop Award nominations) are effective because they made me forget what’s being sold in the first place. Expensive eyeshadow that only the one-percenters could afford? Fancy-ass millinery? The blinding beauty of Irina Shayk? It has to be the last option. Even if Liz Hurley’s son’s modeling career doesn’t go far (which would be a first for a product of nepotism), he will still have lived a fulfilling life knowing that he had the Irina all over him at one point. That’s miles better than getting the covers of all editions of GQ and Esquire, if you ask me.

If looks could kill The Rona, this picture alone would eradicate the pandemic in a snap and earn the Nobel Peace Prize and Time magazine’s People of the Year honors.

Here are some of the pics from the ad campaign that look like they came straight out of an editorial from Vogue circa 1983. Along with my future wife, modeling legends Naomi Campbell and Marisa Berenson are also featured. Also, I think I need to look up more of Maty Fall Diba (seen below), because that is the face to cure a sight sore from seeing all those dead-eyed Instagag “models” that get on Vogue these days.