Hump Day Feast

IMG_20210505_145438123

Shoutout to Rancho Grande Taqueria in Pleasanton for the Cinco de Mayo feast-for-one, and for the Groupon deal that nabbed me $30 worth of food for half-off. Of course, I spent more than $30, but if you saw their menu you’d understand! If you’re wondering what’s about to fatten my ass today, I gots me the following: Torta Sammich with Al Pastor filling (top left), freshly-made chips (middle in bag), Carne Asada plate with the works and some tortilla wraps (right), and (bottom left) CHURROS!!! No, I will not eat all of this in one sitting (I will be having the Torta in a few minutes, though), and, hell naw I am not having my churros with salsa verde. Because, like St. Patrick’s Day, the best way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo is through food (and drinking) and not learning shit about its history, right?

Highs, Lows, Donuts, and Bunnies

Yours trampy had an eventful Saturday. I had my second bout of vehicle fuckery in a month. This time, it involved  my car battery. Yes, it had to go out while I was working; luckily, I finished up one batch of my deliveries before my car decided to add more crap to my continuously-growing pile of personal misery. After a jumpstart from the tow person and driving 30 minutes with the resurrected battery, I took it to my car-fixing friend. He suggested that I get a new battery, and that he would also install it. I was given some time off from work to fix the car, with the option of calling out the whole day in case my car became inoperable. In one hour, I drove from friend’s house to Costco to buy that car battery, drive back to friend’s house for installation (which took just 30 minutes), get disgusted upon finding that a now-dead rat crawled into the battery space and left rat shit in there (no wonder my battery was performing like shit), then returned to Costco to dispose of the old, rat shit-stained battery and get $15 from recycling it (oh, those workers don’t know what that old battery has seen), and *catches breath* made a quick run to the food court to get me a chicken bake before returning to work.

I work this Easter. I get double pay today and my work day will be short, but I hope it’s back to boring times with the car. No mo’ drama with my chariot, man.

One of my treats for today (that I was able to nab when I saw them) will be Easter-themed mini donuts from Krispy Kreme. One of the donuts I got is this:

Screen Shot 2021-04-03 at 11.40.02 PM

I’m gonna scarf down rabbit ass today! Then, after pissing off the waistband of my jeans again from a baked ham and cheesy potato casserole Easter dinner, I’ll cuddle up to my “Bunny” Snoopy plushie…

IMG_20210330_154113520

I know what you’re thinking. It’s how genius I am to pay just a dollar for a bunny ears headband I got at Dollar Tree and putting it on my winter-themed Snoopy, which is better than me spending $18 for a Easter-themed Snoopy at TJ Maxx that I’ll only bring out once a year. At least keeping winter Snoopy for a little longer gives it more than one purpose!

Happy Easter and Happy “Friday” to me!

Luck Of My Tummy

It’s Hump Day, and it’s also St. Patrick’s Day. I’m not a tenth Irish, but I’m sure I slept with someone of Irish descent in the past. So how did I celebrate this day? With the best thing to celebrate a holiday (besides gifts): FOOD! In this case, most of it homemade.

I planned on making a St. Patty’s Day feast for one. Bought my corned beef, the veggies to cook with the corned beef…and that was it. I didn’t need to have the whole she-bang and get other foods like Irish Bangers and stuff to make Shepherd’s Pie. But it was only until late last night after all the grocery stores closed did I realize two things: I also wanted Irish soda bread, and I found out that Krispy Kreme was giving away free green donuts to anyone wearing green. Wednesdays are usually stay-at-home days for me, but I was not going to pass up the offer of getting me a free green donut!

First, though, the Irish soda bread. I saw it going for $4 at Trader Joe’s, and I initially kicked myself for not buying it yesterday. Then I saw a recipe for it. *gasp* I have all those ingredients! I can make it at home! Four bucks saved! And, best of all, it’s a simple dump-and-stir-and-knead recipe. (I get bummed when I see a recipe that requires a stand-alone mixer, as I don’t have one of those things.) Making dat bread was the first thing I did after getting out of bed this morning.

The before pic of the dough…

IMG_20210317_112026836

And after! This was also my first time making Irish soda bread, and I’m quite impressed with how it turned out.

IMG_20210317_122442579 copy

IMG_20210317_123805943

Butter this hot slice up! 

Lunch was corned beef with the fixins. Making corned beef was another first for me, unless you count the many times I cooked this version of corned beef in the past. (Hey, that’s some good shit. Still can’t stand the way to open the can, though.) No online recipe this time–I just followed the package instructions. The meat turned out fine, but, in a first for me, a large, warm, juicy, light pink slab didn’t look appealing to me. I wanted to brown that baby. A few minutes of searing it plus some extra salt and pepper and it was lookin’ good (to go in my stomach).

IMG_20210317_174047081

IMG_20210317_174945208

My St. Patty’s Day bowl! I actually had more bread than pictured (duh). If you’re wondering where the Guinness is at, I worked out before this meal, and I don’t drink alcohol after a workout. That’s how I roll. Plus, I don’t have any Guinness at home.

About those green donuts: I got my freebie! It pays to have some green-colored clothes. I also bought a few more, and the server was nice enough to throw in a free cinnamon sugar donut when they ran out of cake batter donuts. That’s two free donuts!

IMG_20210317_150619276

Forget recycling and reusing bags–this is THE way to go green! I also like how the frosting of the bottom left donut makes it look marbled. That work of donut art is currently being processed by my digestive system as I type.

Put This On My Face

elf X chipotle

My work day ended abruptly today (thanks to a flat tire that rendered me useless for deliveries), so leave it to this work of art I found on the Reddits to cheer me up. Who knew I’d be attracted to a makeup collab involving Chipotle?! What’s next, a Colourpop collab with Wendy’s? NYX and KFC? Also, I’m getting hungry. Also also, judge away but the Burrito Bowl color story of that eyeshadow palette is calling me. Now, you can look glam by putting Hot Salsa and Fajitas on your eyes!

Yes, I shall buy. No, I’m not doing so just to get that free chips and guac voucher.

I Baked A Thing

In between work, more editing, and figuring out which story to write next, I made some classic comfort food!

IMG_20210222_183956707

IMG_20210222_184241564

It’s baked homemade macaroni and cheese! (Recipe in the link.) Will this convert me to baking mac & cheese in the oven from now on? Not really. Who knew that a small block of Gruyere cheese (which that mac & cheese recipe calls for) could be costly? Plus, the convenience of making it stove top still can’t be beat. (Boxed mac & cheese gang rise up!)

Because The Way To My Heart Is Through My Stomach

CHOCOLATES!!

It’s that day of love and buying heart-shaped unnecessary shit for your significant other. For me, it’s just another day of work (my Friday, actually), and after work, I’ll be going on a date with that tasty honey above. (Thank you, Macy’s, for selling that shizz and I’m not surprised it’s sold out now.) So I’m not having sapphic times with my boo on Valentine’s night, but devouring a sampler box of finely-made toffee and caramels while watching the same old episodes of The Office and daydreaming about smashing Jim Halpert (yes, he’s hot to me) is the next best thing! Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! 

 

Sweeeeeeeets!

While I received some solid gifts this year, let’s be real: the best gifts come from yourself. You know yourself the best, you know? One Xmas gift from me to me this year came in the form of cookies, cookies, and some brownies.

IMG_20201225_123957756

I usually bake my own cookies and brownies; the prepackaged kinds can be hit or miss with me. But it was hard to turn down a set of gourmet cookies & brownies on sale at Macy’s. Like I was gonna wait for someone to gift this to me. Even the listing says it’s “the perfect gift, especially for yourself.” (They’re kind of right; the real perfect gift for me remains a thousand wishes to all come true. That way I can have 1000 gifts and have things like a billion dollars and endless hump sessions with Adam Driver and Adriana Lima.) I never heard of Salt Of The Earth Bakery before; they’re apparently a gourmet bakery located in Brooklyn, NY. Excuse me for feeling a little fancy for buying gourmet desserts from NYC. 

When I make cookies, they tend to run on the small size. These babies are the size of my palm!   

IMG_20201225_124222020_HDR copy

This one is The Cookie–a classic chocolate chip sprinkled with some sea salt. Taste is pretty good. I also tried The Wild Oat, since I’ve been craving oatmeal cookies. One thing with oatmeal cookies is that some include chocolate chip in the mix, which is fine but I prefer to have it straight up oatmeal. That one was delish! 

Unlike its cookie sibling, the brownies are regular-sized. 

IMG_20201225_124454503

I have not made a dent in those ones, but I did sample (and by “sample” I mean devour like a brownie monster) one of The Nutty Ones. When I make my brownies, I prefer some walnuts or pecans in them. Something about a brownie without nuts make them plain. (Yeah, I know–controversial opinion.) I expected The Nutty One to have some nuts in them, but the “nut” part came from some peanut butter mixed in the brownie. Just when I was going to cry “false advertising!” I took a bite of it. They got me with the taste. It was delectable, like what fine champagne streaming down the augmented mounds of an exotic dancer would taste like. 

This set of 20 big-ass cookies and 10 brownies is more than enough to fulfill my cookie and brownie cravings for the next few months. If you’re not near their store in Brooklyn and you’d also like to have a buttload of sweets and earn yourself permanent residency on Diabeetus Island, you can buy the set here or here (though wait till Macy’s has a big sale)! 

Gimme This For Christmas

cat ass cookie cutter

Kitty Butthole Cookie Cutters! Sure, I also want a billion dollars and endless hump sessions with Irina Shayk and Michael B. Jordan for Xmas, but a Sephora gift card and this sophisticated baking utensil can suffice! Williams-Sonoma gots nuthin’ on this Etsy seller who makes this and other feline-themed cookie cutters. It’s also a best-seller and received a butt(hole)load of 5-star ratings, so there’s one rightful thing going in this world.  (Side note: any non-porn listing title with the words “butt”, “party”, and “butthole” will always get my attention, no matter what you’re selling.) And the finished product (if you’re using the cookie cutters to actually make cookies and not placing them on a pedestal as a fine art display) has never made kitty bootyhole cookies look more delectable.

kitty b-hole cookies!

Now that’s a tea session worthy of putting your pinkies up! 

Credit to this Reddit post, which led me to the Etsy listing where the pictures originated from, which will lead me to being $30+ less rich once I get my paws on those bootyful items. 

Feast Your Eyes On My Feast

20201125_173430

Seven-pound turkey breast from Target: $7. Jumbo biscuits-in-a-can from Winco that I’ve had in my fridge for months: $1.39. My electric bill for this month after cooking this: $50-something bucks, I think. A satiated belly after eating all dis: priceless!!

Also, if you guessed the pumpkin pie being the only homemade item in this Tanksgivin’ spread, come on down to get your virtual high-five. After seeing this recipe on it, and being able to snag the very last can of canned pumpkin mush at Target, I chose to save a few bucks and make the pie myself. The crust is the only thing that was store-bought. I think it turned out well!

20201125_183513

Since the Trader Joe’s Cocoa Cream liqueur is coursing through my body as I type (that drink is the tits, by the way), I’ll keep it brief and coherent as possible on my list on things I’m thankful for this year:

–didn’t get Covid (and I hope I didn’t jinx myself with this!)

–all of the essential and healthcare workers who worked their asses off and had to deal with bitch-ass Karens during the pandemic

–was able to get a good-paying temp job when my regular job closed down earlier this year

got my own place again after years of rooming with others!

November 7, 2020

–all those who voted to make November 7th a happy day

–L’Oreal’s HiColor HiLights in Red, for turning me into a redhead

–the living goddesses simply known as Dolly and Kylie!

–my boo Irina Shayk (AFAIK and I don’t feel like fact-checking it right now) is still single!!!