Three Good Things (Surprisingly)

In spite of this country showing me that I now have less rights than a Glock, a few actual good things happened recently. Because as much as life drives me to be one, I can’t be a bitter bitch the whole time. And we all gotta do this once in a while.

20220624_194411

I attended a local pro-choice march last Friday. And it was within walking distance, so no driving! The pessimist in me is wondering how many more of these I’ll be marching in before the cuntservatives in the Supreme Court will get their heads out of their asses stuck in the 19th century and recognize that women’s reproductive rights are constitutional. But it was pretty encouraging to see that this march, which was organized same-day, had a very good turnout, with a diverse bunch of both women and men, olds and youths present. And not a single forced birther punkass fucked with us, thank goodness.

20220627_112454

I made low-carb cinnamon rolls! After being tempted from a bakery show special on PBS that featured (among other tasty carb-y pastries) gooey cinnamon rolls, I chose to make them. It’s my first time using Carbquik flour, and while the texture of it looked kind of biscuit-y as opposed to doughy like a regular roll, oooh the taste. Recipe is here, but, according to the comments, nutrition facts are kind of all over the place (except for its net carbs).

And speaking of low-carb, I hit a milestone in my quest to have the body of a 90s swimsuit model (yeah right): yours truly has lost 40 pounds since going low-carb! I’m almost half the size I was when I started this, and while my wallet’s not thrilled with buying new clothes to fit my new frame, the shopping slut in me has never been more delighted. And thank goodies for thrift stores so I don’t have to spend too much. Take that, Standard ‘Murican Diet! 

Friday Rants & Raves

This small batch of rants and raves were meant to be posted on Monday, but I got busy.

As much as I love watching hockey, baseball, and NBA games during this time, if there’s one thing I simply cannot with, it’s the ass-kissing sports broadcasters give to asshole athletes. Maybe it’s because I have remnants of my soul and brain left, but I just cannot publicly slobber over foul bitches like anti-vaxx choad Kyrie Irving or Putin’s top ho Alex Ovechkin. I’m sure there’s plenty of acid you can give me to fake it, though.

************

There’s “Girls Gone Wild: Exposed”, “Secrets Of Playboy,” “Surviving R Kelly,” a bunch of exposé segments on Orange Hitler, and now all I want to see is an exposé on those dead-eyed, plastic-filled, fraud-defining KartrashJenners. Nothing that mediocre yet toxic should not have blown up as they had.

************

Stupid-ass thing I saw recently:

Screenshot_20220416-233531_Reddit

All together now: NO. And that’s my super honest opinion.

Also, if you want to give yourself a throbbing headache, go to Reddit (shocker) and read the top comments on any post regarding the Depp-Heard trial (except at Subreddit Drama, as they’re one of the few places that know both of them are awful). Yeah, I know Amber sucks, but all those misogynist scabs who think that permanent drunk mess who trashed hotel rooms in the 90s and left his long-time significant other (whom he had his kids with) for Amber aka Johnny is iNnOcEnT in this case…well, bless them.

***************

Speaking of what should be blessed, my attempt to make keto hot pockets…

20220421_124118

…may not be worthy of a pity Like on social media, but something something tasted good in the end. Guess when the recipe says to not roll the dough thin to keep the fillings in, they mean it. Ah well, there’s always a next time. (For the record, the dough in the two left pockets stayed intact.)

Recipe can be found here!

*************

The Foolishness Of The Modern Man, part #7436: reading how some triple-vaxxed people recently caught Covid while attending a big public event, but them refusing to answer if they wore a mask while attending said big public event.

Meanwhile, when I attend Chris Rock’s show in July (yes, I got tickets!), I’m gonna double mask it and carry hand sanitizer. I still refuse to share air with strangers and no way is the Rona bitch gonna get me!

**************

Finally, the sunset I experienced that was mentioned in my Easter post:

20220417_191634

Taken at the beaches of El Granada, a few minutes north of Half Moon Bay. Since it’s also Earth Day today, if you still want to see pretty beachside sunsets 10, 20 years from now, do your part and get your butt involved in preserving what’s left of this planet! 

And On Saturday I Bake

What’s a chick to do on her day-off and she doesn’t want to go anywhere because she’s lazy to drive and there’s inclement weather outside? (We actually got a little rain today here in the East Bay.) Hit the kitchen, honey! I made a favorite of mines again: low-carb chicken cordon bleu casserole. I felt for something creamy and meaty, and, yes, that’s what she said.

Then I wanted to make bagels. I had all the ingredients for it, according to this recipe. And then I discovered my mozzarella cheese had spoiled. Both the shredded stuff and the block it came from! I bought that not too long ago! Utter crap. I’m glad I live a short walk from a Target, but that’s where I bought the mozzarella cheese that spoiled on me. When I got to their cheese section, I decided on if I really wanted to buy the same brand of mozzarella that turned on me too soon, or go for another brand that I never tried before. And then I found out that some specialty cheeses were going for half off, including a one-pound mozzarella cheese log. I ended up buying the cheese log, along with some of the other fancy cheeses on sale.

Little did I know that I would end up making a mistake in buying that cheese log.

Look, I’ve been making low-carb/keto foods for two months. I’m not a newbie, not yet a veteran when it comes to low-carb cooking and baking. But how the hell should I know that it’s better to use hard cheese to get shreds for a recipe as opposed to using soft cheese? (OK, it may be more of a rule for all types of cooking, but I’ve only been shredding cheese from blocks recently. I used to be a sucker for the pre-made bagged shreds, until I found out that some of them contain potato starch, which is oh-so not low-carb friendly.) I felt like a dog with a gimp hind leg trying to lift my leg to take a piss when taking the soft mozzarella cheese to the grater. Shit wasn’t working, so I ended up pulling apart the cheese for my shreds. I was also using more cheese than I should to get to amount I need.

20220319_191902

Not surprisingly, the end result could’ve been better in the appearance department. I feel like the use of the soft cheese is why a couple of them aren’t as bagel-shaped as they should be. Fine to use the soft cheese when making a pizza, not so much for baking. But! They tasted lovely. I added a 1/2 teaspoon of onion powder to the mix, and the smells that filled my studio when these babies were baking was the bomb. So while these bagels won’t even qualify for the Miss Low-Carb Bagel Beauty Pageant, they’re a winner in my stomach.

Because I Love Myself The Most

My Valentine’s Day treats to myself this year:

20220214_112208 copy

Homemade low-carb treats! The sweet thing on the left is a Chocolate Almond Butter Keto Fat Bomb that’s actually pretty easy to make. (As long as you can find coconut butter. Not oil–butter. Vitamin Shoppe is your friend with that.) I added some chopped pecans for some crunch. To the right is a muffin I made from this keto cinnamon sugar donut recipe. Why didn’t I turn that into a donut? I could only make six donuts in my pan, and I had leftover mix. Instead of me running back to Target to get another donut pan, I put the rest in a heart-shaped muffin tin, which I also used to make the fat bomb. As I said last year, the way to my heart is through my stomach. (And a naturally-pretty brunette with a sweet smile, but I take what I can get.)

If you’re wondering, the powdered “sugar” is actually monkfruit sweetener in powdered form. Good shizz.

20220214_154315 copy

Taking a hike around Lime Ridge Open Space! It’s been a while since I hiked around this lovely park. It was windy today, but good thing I had a hat and sweater with me. The hilly parts of the park have some slopes that will work out your buns and thighs, but I like the challenge. Plus, the views from the top are superb!

Re-watching old episodes of Married With Children! I don’t know how many times I watched Season 8 (it’s one of their best seasons), and I don’t care because that’s the season that has the show’s only Valentine’s Day-themed episode! That fight scene for that lone card still has me in stitches.

Get Drunk On Kylie

Screen Shot 2022-02-11 at 8.44.16 PM

This may be a shocker, but I’m not a big wine person. That said, leave it to my goddess to tempt me to become one (as long as the nectar is super low/no-carb). And I like how she called it “Kylie Wines” and marketing it to us Kylie heads in the States. The name may confuse the tabloid-reading airheads here, but who cares. Now if only Miss Minogue herself can come back to the States (particularly the Bay Area) for a long-overdue tour!

Cooking With Some Chick

Since going low-carb in my eats, I had to say goodbye to some of my faves that I can no longer eat because too many effing carbs. No more oatmeal, no more lasagna or pasta, not even (and this one hurts) Costco chicken bakes, honey. It’s a good thing I like to cook and bake because otherwise my meals would be nothing but fatty meats and dairy and the few pieces of cruciferous vegetable doused in olive oil. And that may sound exciting for some people doing low-carb, but my ass (which, I should mention, has lost over 10 pounds since doing this shit almost a month ago) needs variety!

So I made the following (not all of this in one day, now)…

20220207_120842

Keto Oatmeal! Or should it be “noatmeal”? There are plenty of low-carb/keto oatmeal recipes out there, but I’ve turned to this recipe the most because of how flavorful and filling it is. It truly is filling at 27 grams of fatty-fat-fat-fat in just half a cup, which alone gets the Quaker Oats dude shaking in his boots.

I had this yesterday morning, along with a cuppa of homemade Bulletproof coffee. Shout out to Macy’s for the milk frother they sold for $6. I get frothy coffee at home now!

20220205_141101 copy

Keto Chicken Cordon Bleu Casserole! I should note that I’m not doing Keto; it just so happens that many of the low-carb recipes I’ve been following are from Keto foodie sites. The result looks a lot more cheesy in person, and it should: the recipe calls for a whole box of cream cheese. And the crushed pork rinds is not an optional thing; it HAS to be done! Like with mac & cheese (which I need to find a low-carb version of soon), the crunchy top takes the dish to the next level.

And, finally, one of my proudest culinary achievements:

20220127_170103 copy

Low-Carb Costco Chicken Bake! It may not look like it because it came out shorter than it should have and a little too crispy. But that I was able to make one (actually, the recipe gave me three of them) is enough to warrant a happy dance. One thing I didn’t realize was that the dough recipe is very similar to that of Fathead Dough, which is a staple of plenty of “bread-y” low-carb/keto dishes. So I made two firsts in one recipe: Fathead Dough and the chicken bake. I is proud. Not so much the fat-fearing nutritionists out there, but oh well.

My New Liquid Crack

Even before I submitted to the mistress that is Miss Low Carb, I rarely rarely had Liquid Crack, aka Starbucks. I watched that Weight Of The Nation documentary years ago and still remember how much sugar one of their drinks contained. *shudders* Nonetheless, I seldom had one of their sugary concoctions, but I can’t have them anymore. No big loss, but what’s a low carb lifestyle newbie to do when she wants her coffee fix?

Enter these sugar-free saviors…

While researching what low carb-friendly foods I can stuff myself with, I kept seeing Bulletproof coffee, which involves fatty goodness in the forms of MCT oil and grass-fed butter. I never imagined putting oil and butter in my coffee before, and I wondered how I can try this without having to buy all that. Then I found a can of its Original brew at a Safeway last week, and, since they were on sale (lucky me), I bought two cans–one in Original and one in Vanilla. I sampled the Vanilla one first with a few sips. I cannot drink a whole can of anything except water in one sitting.

That shit got me WIRED, honey.

I also saw no need to eat something until my next meal, as I felt satiated from those few sips. To be fair, I did have a regular breakfast with my drink. I’m not gonna ditch my eggs and bacon for that coffee as my only breakfast. But I guess it proves true of the brew’s claim in curbing your hunger. And it didn’t do one thing regular coffees notoriously do: give you the dreaded sugar crash. Because there’s no sugar in a Bulletproof coffee, duh! Somewhere, Starbucks’ Mermaid is shaking in her tail fin.

Inferior reviews aside, I really like the canned stuff. I took some sips of the Original brew this morning, and my energy this afternoon can put the Energizer Bunny to shame. I kid you not: I walked over 7000 steps today and never felt tired. To be fair again, I took a Multivitamin supplement with my breakfast that included B vitamins, so I had twice the jolt. Eventually, I’ll brew up Bulletproof coffee (their grounds are currently 40% off at Target if you have a Target Circle account) myself, but it’s nice to have a ready-made product when you’re on the go, or if you ran out of an ingredient, or if you get lazy as hell to make some.

This review is not part of a promotion whatsoever, and I soooo did not receive a free product for this review.

Succumbing To Low-Carb Madness

Since my last post, I missed some important stuff. I didn’t have time to give birthday wishes to two of my queens (like they’ll ever read it), do a farewell post to a fashion icon, or acknowledge that one day viewership spiked here. I know, pigs are flying now.

What I did have time while being swamped with busyness was succumbing to madness. No, I didn’t buy a Justin Bieber album; I would never go that far off the deep end. Yours Crazy has gone low-carb in her meals. Why, after all my past raves of sugary, starchy goodness? Because Yours Crazy also has some adipose her vain self needs to shed. After reading up on which, ugh………..diet (and now I feel icky for typing that out) can work for me, the low-carb, high-fat way sounded the most doable. I get to eat plenty of fats and some protein, but I needed to ditch my carb-heavy starches. You don’t know how much my stomach weeped when I did the latter. No, really, doing LCHF weirded my body out in the beginning. And I was only slowly getting into it; I could not quit carbs cold turkey.

I actually started this over a week ago, and transitioning into LCHF was a trip, but oooh the water weight I was losing. And the energy I was gaining! No lie or people paying me to say this shit–I felt more energetic since ditching high-carb foods. The fat I get to consume has also kept me full for hours on end; I don’t see the need to snack at times. And the Carb Manager app has come through for me.

However! Whenever I walk past the sections for fruits (yes, most fruits are now off-limits), candies, bread, and my beloved chips/crackers in any grocery nowadays, I’m all…

And I’m reaaally bright to start this shit right before Valentine’s Day–the other holiday besides Christmas where sweets and sugar get pimped out to the hilt. Avocado Gods, give me strength.

Thanks And No Thanks

For this Turkey Day, instead of a pic of this year’s home-cooked feast that turned out…OK (more on this later), I must list the shit that I’ve been thankful and not so thankful for. Given how this year has turned out, I’m kind of surprised there have been some things I’m thankful for.

Bad stuff first.

*NOT Thankful For…*

–all the anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers still roaming around out there. Keep on fucking around; you’ll eventually find out.

–the one-percenters continuing to get richer. Guillotine when, dammit?

–our very, very dubious judicial system that allowed Pill Cosby to get out of jail, Orange Hitler to keep roaming around a free man dickwad, and this shit

–Game 5 of the NLDS (boooooooooo)

–the pumpkin pie recipe on the back of Trader Joe’s Organic Pumpkin Pie mix. Last year, my pie turned out lovely. But this year, I followed the TJs recipe, and here’s the result:

IMG_20211125_153607951 (1) copy

It made my place smell nice during baking, but that was it. The taste was eh, and the middle was also runny. *sad face* Much disappointment, TJs. I’m following this recipe from now on!

–speaking of TJs, them not bringing back their Chocolate Pecan Pie Bar for the holidays. Booooooooo!!!

–obvious PR-concocted fluff pieces on so-called nice celebs who are bad twats behind closed doors (more on this in another post)

Now for the good shizz!

*Thankful For* 

–the scientists who created the Covid vaccines (it has to be said)

–me not catching Covid, even after returning to my massage job (and I hope I didn’t jinx myself with this)

my state’s rent relief program that helped my ass out

this verdict! (A sliver of hope from the courts. Now if the sentence can fit the crime…)

–Revlon’s Vixen nail polish. I feel fierce when I wear it, and it’s also a good dupe for Chanel’s Vamp

–me cooking a whole turkey and it turning out right. It’s been years since I cooked a whole turkey; I’ve been buying turkey breasts as they’re cheaper and easier to cook, but I couldn’t deny the 79-cents a pound sale Target had on whole birds. I followed this method, and wow did my meat taste so juicy and flavorful! (I will say that I didn’t have white wine, but I used ACV as a substitute.)

IMG_20211125_153607951 copy

The turkey looks nicer in person, trust. And, hey, the biscuits and stuffing also turned out well.

–me saving the last of my TJs Chocolate Pecan Pie Bar from last year. Kept it in the freezer for a year and it tasted better than this year’s pumpkin pie.

–those looooong BBC Essential Mixes from the 90s on YouTube, like the one below that lucky club-hoppers danced to 26 years ago this day. (I can’t forget it’s Throwback Thursday, even if it’s a holiday.) Now to dance away my Thanksgiving meal!