A Gorgeous And Poetic Start

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No April Fools joke–that April 2021 cover of UK Vogue is giving me LIFE. (There are three other covers for their April issue, all of them equally vibrant.) That’s the magic of Meisel, who shot the covers and is giving me 1960s-era Avedon vibes with the image. Also, OMG a smiling woman with life in her eyes on the cover! Bored faces and drowsy eyes be damned! Why US Vogue isn’t fashun as their UK sister is not a mystery: that out-of-touch fossil Anna Wintour is still its cryptkeeper-in-chief. 

It’s also the start of the baseball season and National Poetry Month. I’d post a baseball poem, but they all bored me and these lines from the OG Queen of Quip Dorothy Parker was hard to pass up. 

That’s right! 

 

My Kind Of Eye Bleach

After straining my eyes from digging up all those links in my last rant, looking at my bank account to see if I got my stimulus payment (which I did not), and seeing more posts on despicable violence against Asians (just…why?) and another mention of my state governor being “recalled” (it’s not gonna happen, idiots), I need eye bleach. Some turn to adorable animals, but I’m feeling for vintage HIGH GLAMOUR. Enter the work of Mario Casilli!

It’s currently a cool 61 degrees where I live, and these images alone have me fanning myself. I LIVE for that campy 80s glamour, and Casilli captured it brilliantly.

All pics courtesy of this site that will bombard you with captures of vintage fabulousness. 

Beauty For Your Friday

e.l.f Cosmetics’ tasty collab with Chipotle enchanted me so much yesterday that I (once again) forgot to do a Throwback Thursday post. But there’s always Flashback Friday, and if you remember seeing Penelope Cruz‘ US Vogue cover when it originally dropped 20 years ago this month, congrats–you’re an old like me!

This cover had me mesmerized in more ways than one. The biggest one is the blurb “The Power Of Beauty” next to Penelope, a brown-eyed brunette Latina. It’s major because Anna Wintour usually saved such banter for WASPy blondes. (I have many issues of Vogue from the 90s, and Anna really flaunted her blonde fetish during that decade.) After seeing many images of white-bread blonde girls being touted as “beautiful” during my teen years in the mid/late 90s, seeing Penelope and those words was a breath of fresh air. 

Oh, I remember the little uproar from readers over Vogue featuring a topless woman on the cover. To this day, I find the picture classy AF. It’s only fitting that the late, great Herb Ritts captured the image (yet another reason why I loved that cover), and if any photographer knew how to do classy topless shots of women, it was him. Frankly, I’d rather see topless Penelope (“of course you would”–you) on the cover over a fully-clothed nepotism “model” or no-talent reality show basic that get on Vogue these days. I feel like who is striking the pose matters more than the pose itself.

By the way, nothing says POWER like conquering the world in nothing but a leather miniskirt. I’d do that…if I could afford a leather miniskirt. 

Just using this entry as an excuse to post the purdy pics of Penelope in her layout.  

Teen me back in March 2001 loved that cover so much, I ended up buying two copies of that issue. That issue was thiiiick, IIRC. I think it was over 500 pages; nowadays, Vogue is as thin as the range of expressions of a nepotism “model”. 2001 was also the last year Vogue had a nice mix of models and actresses on the covers, before Anna went overboard on her use of actresses for her covers the years after. (Funny that I now long for those trite actress covers of the mid/late 2000s after seeing who gets on Vogue these days.) I squealed with joy when I saw Linda Evangelista on that year’s September cover, but as much as I adore the hell out of Linda, hers was my second-favorite cover of 2001. Penelope’s still reigns that year. 

This Is Every Frilly Layer of No

harry in a dress

I usually enjoy seeing men of all gender representations get their classic femininity on, whether it’s wearing makeup, high heels, a dress, or all three. So why does seeing that pic of Harry Styles in a dress dry up and freeze my basement? Oh, that’s right, I was never into Harry in the first place (sorry 1D fanwhores). He never did a thing for me, and whenever I see a pic of him, I’m all the more thankful that I also find women attractive. Also, the pics are bleh, but then I don’t expect US Vogue (who have not been fashion-relevant in YEARS and if you need any proof just look at the pic they used for Harry’s cover) and their current roster of ho-hum photographers to capture an otherwise rad concept properly. That may be a Vogue image, but I’m getting Target catalog vibes from it. (In fairness, Target is more fashion-relevant than Vogue.)

While it’s great that Harry has no shame in cross-dressing, I somehow can’t buy him being this generation’s gender-bending fashun music icon. It takes more than just a guy putting on a purdy dress (or a woman dressing in a man’s suit) to gender bend. And on the occasions I hear about Harry, he doesn’t seem to have the personality and spark to pull the image off.  Honey’s no Bowie or Prince or Elton; hell, he’s not even mid/late-90s Dennis Rodman, Billy Porter, or even this former hot bitch I used to swoon over (*sulks over why he had to ruin himself*).

Also, whyyyyy are my nana’s old bedskirts (that she ended up donating to a thrift store ’cause she developed better taste) his dress?! In the words of Raja and Raven, it’s an automatic boot!

Pic courtesy of Lipstick Alley (via Vogue)

Tacky Hump Day

nic cage's glam jacket

It may be Thursday in many places now, but it’s still Hump Day in my neck of the woods. And while the days are getting shorter, seeing tacky-as-hell Nicolas Cage’s tacky-as-hell jacket is like experiencing happy sunshine every hour of the day! If a Forever 21 faux leather jacket in Pepto Bismol pink banged a bunch of badges you’d only earn from being in the THOT Scouts of ‘Murica, this would be the result. So, naturally, that jacket (paired with that striped shirt!) is on-brand for Nic.

Also, the image came from a subReddit whose acronym stands for “Awful Taste But Great Execution”, but only stuffy basics who don’t know fashion would find this awful!

GLAMOUR For Your Weekend

Tired of awful news dominating headlines? Worn out from all things politics? Here’s some soothing balm for your eyes, courtesy of today’s birthday lady/fashion icon Bai Ling!!!

Aaaannnnd all Halloween costume contests have just been canceled since no one can top this piece de resistance.

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Not even that cuntbeast Covid can hold back a style goddess!

You may be thinking: there’s more class and fabric in a G-string than what Bai is wearing above. Oh, puh-lease. That G-string would plead and beg to be worn by Miss Ling so it can be seen and be part of fashion history. And I’d bemoan over why Bai has never been on the cover of Vogue and Bazaar, but given some of the no-talent, empty-eyed trash heaps they’ve shamefully given covers to in the past, those rags don’t deserve her greatness!

Happy birthday, Bai!

And On Monday I Smile

While my last post brought out the feels, I’m not one to feel down all the time. Even when times are tough, I try to seek out the positives in life!

So what puts a smile on my face? Well, to name a few…

*Receiving Big Tips!*

Whether they were from my regular spa job (that’s still shut down) or from my current temp delivery job, I’m grateful for those who tip me big. It doesn’t happen often as I’d like, but it’s still appreciated!

*Seeing the Giants win games*

Like they did the past two days! (Note: I can’t find a GIF of one of their recent wins, but a GIF of one of their iconic wins also gives me the happys.) I’m not sure if they’ll make the playoffs, nor am I holding my breath for it. But a win is a win and I’ll take it!

*Watching classic Simpsons episodes*

Ah, to be a pre-teen (and teen) during the Simpsons heyday…

I’d post a clip but I felt GIFs was more approp. (Yes, I know “approp” is not a word!)

*Listening to vintage Mariah & Kylie!*

*Looking at 90s fashions/fashion shows*

You can bring back 90s fashions to the present, but, not sorry to all the young celebs of today, they cannot be served like how dem 90s models & celebs served them! If anything, it should be a federal offense if some basic THOT from today tries to wear a vintage 90s couture piece!

*Beachside drives*

Even better when the sun is out! (Which is a rarity during summer on Bay Area beaches. Damn fog.)

*Pussies!*

These kinds, I mean. (The other kind also makes me smile, albeit lasciviously.)

Mmmm, Cheetos

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This week’s Hump Day post is brought to you by Rihanna on the September subscriber cover of Harper’s Bizarre (typo and it stays), wearing some designer coat that I’m sure was made from the skins of many Muppet rejects. If you’re wondering about the post title, I cannot be the only one who sees that coat & picture and think “flying processed cheese-dusted puffs!” They take up more space than the head of Miss Ooh Na Na! I’m sure fellow Cheeto hound Britney Spears saw this pic and also thought the same thing.

I like RiRi and the rest of her layout, but I refuse to give props to HB. Especially after all the times they foolishly gave covers to the K-trash, Cardi B Exhausting, and the Hadont sisters. Oh, and there was this criminal act of fuckery that should have caused Diana Vreeland to rise back up from the dead and bitch-slap HB’s delusional AF editor-in-chief (whoever she is/was).  Frankly, if they really wanted to redeem themselves, they could’ve started by using this shot of RiRi for their cover instead:

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High heels, diamonds, and sunglasses at night? Helmut Newton would approve. And if you’re wondering what’s in the trash bags, it’s the unsold products of Fist Brown’s latest album & Secondary Reality Show Personality’s “skincare” line (and RiRi’s got many, many more bags of the first two to throw out), as well as what’s left of Drake’s ability to find women 18 and over attractive, and Beyonce’s best weaves (RiRi would keep them but she’s got better taste!).

Swoooooon

Just when this year be cunting (I know it’s not a word but roll with it) hard for the umpteenth time by revealing how much the supposed “Internet’s Boyfriend” enjoys wearing face masks in public (re: not at all), here comes a midriff-baring Venus from the heavens to save the day and salvage the year! Yes, it’s ubermodel/former spouse to an emu/my future wife Irina Shayk struttin’ her stuff in New York, showing the no-mask wearing lessers that you can flaunt hotness and safety. See, Keanu? It’s not that hard!

Look at my lady’s style–the face is in 2020 and the rest is in 1991. Needs some hoop earrings, a large print of Color Me Badd on the shirt, and a Motorola Micro-TAC to replace the hell phone in her hand to complete the throwback, but I still approve (duh)! If there was a Miss Quarantine Universe pageant, Irina would easily snatch the crown with this pic, hands down.

(Update 9/8/20: and yes, this was originally part of the previous post. But after re-reading it–almost two months after I posted it, I know–who was I to lump a masked goddess with that no-mask wearer in one post? Shame on me!)