Rants & Raves 6/23

UPDATE 6/28/22: this was meant to have been published the night of June 23rd, but I wasn’t able to. I thought I’d post this on 6/24, and then it became the crappiest Friday I’ve lived through so far. So here’s the original post, five days after it was supposed to go live.

I didn’t watch the NBA Draft but I’m soooo here for the lewks of top draft pick Paolo Banchero and #17th draftee Tari Eason. Paolo is serving up a getup that Prince maybe would approve (dude needs more eyeliner, frilly ruffles in his shirt, and switch out the shoes for fuck-me boots), and Tari is giving me secret service protection from getting shot and pinched on St. Patrick’s Day realness.

Hero Parent Worship Season is over, but now we’ve entered the season of fireworks going off for no good reason at 2AM, preventable heat stroke cases skyrocketing up the ass (hydrate, bitches!), and stores oblivious to the ongoing woes of this godforsaken country audaciously marketing red, white, and blue nonsense up front whilst all the “love-is-love” rainbowed merchandise for this very Pride month is modestly displayed somewhere in the back. *cough*HomeGoods*cough*

An unhinged bitch keeps on being an unhinged bitch, a popular soccer player is off the hook after admitting rape, and both still aren’t (and likely won’t be) getting the same amount of vitriol and unflattering memes on them as social media’s reigning “public enemy #1”. Gee, I wonder why.

An underrated tragedy: abused women, who have harassed and denied the truth of another abused woman, who aren’t being believed when they share their own stories. Something something leopards ate their faces.

By the way, why on earth are they called Men’s Rights Activists? Those types tend to be pathetic-defining, empathy-exempt, missed abortions who need to touch grass last week aka incels, and actual real men wouldn’t be part of such a foul group. How about calling them Assholes’ Rights Activists instead? The ones who default to the dumbass notion that all “men” are perfect angels no matter what, and strong, independent women are more evil than Hitler. They’re an ARA! Don’t be one or support one, either.

Damn Fool alert: seeing a CA resident with a CA license plate with a bumper sticker saying how our governor sucks. Bruh, if you don’t like him, I’m sure there are other states that have your dream governor. Like Florida or Texas. (Types with that bumper sticker tend to lean on that side of the political spectrum, sadly.)

Never ever trust a gossip site that refers TikTokkers as “stars” *gags*, fosters comments from Q-nuts, and bans commenters who dare speak out against a site moderator’s fave celeb.

Also, never trust a frequent Reddit poster who says things (or makes low-effort memes) about their “wife” or “girlfriend”. It’s a Reddit poster; they’re likely 15, a try-hard virgin (a try-hard is far worse than a virgin, by the way), who can never leave the house outside of school and is too shy to speak to anyone while at school, thus can never get a girl.

And speaking of Reddit (I know), Internet Comment Of The Day! (And there’s more gold in that thread! The comments there are giving me vintage Dlisted vibes, and I am here for it.)

The Most Unforgettable Eye Balm

After coming across this disturbing headline (who knew that damn thing could sink any lower), I had to cleanse my eyes quick. And there’s no betta balm for battered eyes than 80s supermodel glamour (at least for me), courtesy of these classic Revlon ads!

No tired eyes, no basic-ness detected, no problem! Even their hair is serving it! 

Pics courtesy of Fashion Gone Rouge

True FASHUN

TIL that the irrelevant, overhyped, style-lacking suckfest for wannabe A-listers that’s the Mess, er, Met Gala is not only still happening, but is happening today. Didn’t that shit happen just a few months ago? Rather than get annoyed over how many dubious AF, talent-exempt who-dats got invited (which I’m sure will make up at least 90% of the attendees) and will show up in outfits that would make Fashion Nova seem high-end, I’d rather admire the past lewks of underrated fashionista João Paulo!

Back in 2016, João took whatever household shit he had and recreated some of the Gala’s most, ahem, memorable outfits. Who needs the couturiers of Louis Vuitton and pricey hairstylists when you can have your own celebrity-inspired haute couture and hair with some foil, duct tape, and wig from the Dollar Store?! I’m not sure if he recreated other outfits from other Galas after, and that he wasn’t invited to the 2017 event after his landmark FASHUN moment all the more proves how out-of-touch that withered barnacle with the bad wig known as Anna Wintour is. If anything, the Gala needs João more than he needs the Gala.

Pic courtesy of Dlisted, where you can see more of João serving real Gala-worthy style here! 

Vintage Balm For My Eyes

Still iconic thirty years later: 90s supermodels on Vogue’s 100th anniversary issue, April 1992. I have this issue! And no April Fool’s joke here–all their faces and bodies are all-natural! After having the misfortune to come across the eyesore that is last month’s cover of InStyle (I’ve seen scarecrows show more emotion) at work yesterday, seeing that memorable image has given me life again. Well, that is until I see another one-note, drowsy-eyed product of nepotism “earn” another “fashion” mag cover again. Which will, sadly, be soon.

By the way, to this day I’m still miffed that Yasmeen Ghauri (the brunette model in the middle left) never had a Vogue cover on her own. Dat face and figure alone should’ve been worthy of at least ten Vogue covers. Even Anna Wintour was making dubious choices long before a certain soulless klan from Calabasas came her way.

Duckin’ Fabulous

After seeing these fashionably loud ducks serve up style and glamour at the recent Pied Piper Duck Show in Sydney, Australia, the runways of Milan, Paris, and New York once again need to step up their game. You know designers need to go back to the drawing board when duck couture is more appealing than whatever this mess is. (I guess the folks at The Fashion Spot haven’t seen their optometrist in a while because they think that look is a “hit”. *snorts*) Also, the pose game of these feathered catwalkers (or should I say, duckwalkers) is top notch. Linda and Naomi would be proud of those birds in pink, while the duck in blue is flaunting leg leg leg like they’re channeling their inner Nadja Auermann. To botch a lyric from RuPaul’s “Supermodel”, “you betta quack, bitch!”

Pic courtesy of Sad And Useless (although I first read about this show here)

Fanning Myself Over The Elegance

BFF cover 1

While other so-called “fashion magazines” are either killing off their print editions (while giving dead-eyed husks a cover), or putting an NFT of a tone-deaf, selfish-defining, substance-exempt piece of irrelevance on their covers, here comes Black Fashion Fair to serve glamour and fashun to my glamour-and-fashun-starved self. I had to check the date of those publications because I am not used to seeing such proper style from recent years, let alone from 2022. You could show me that cover and I’d think that came from the mid-90s, not from this tragic decade. Look at that–no drowsy eyes, the models don’t look awfully airbrushed, and not a hint of irony anywhere (unlike having a plastic surgery mess photoshopped to the hilt on a “Body Issue”). The other covers are stylin’ too! It goes to show that maybe there are still some true artists in the bleak AF fashion world who aren’t driven by online clicks or that nonsense. But it’s also a damn shame that the mainstream “fashion mags” would rather showcase wannabe A-listers who supposedly get online clicks in an attempt to sell covers instead of what they’re supposed to feature this whole time: fashion.

I’d buy a copy of BFF, but not only is the issue worth the same hourly price to solicit a former Teen Mom-turned-hooker (OK, the mag is worth way more than that), all copies of its first edition are sold out. Your move, other fashion mags!

A Glamorous Farewell

violet with mugler

Badass glamour has sadly gone to heaven with the passing of legendary fashion designer Thierry Mugler today (seen above with drag queen Violet Chachki). Now he’ll be trading bitchy bon mots with Andre Leon Talley and designing Betty White’s dress for her third 100th birthday gala up in the heavens.

For those who aren’t familiar with Mugler’s work, first off, shame on you! Second, watch these clips and prepare yourself for an onslaught of sex alien high-heeled waist-cinched FASHUN eleganza that could turn all the leggings and frayed-up skinny jeans at Macy’s into a meager pile of basic rubble.

Though this version of George Michael’s “Too Funky” video is the one all of us know, this vid is Mugler’s nipple-raising director’s cut.

And, of course, I cannot forget his cheeky appearance in Robert Altman’s Ready To Wear Pret-a-Porter!

“It’s all about getting a great fuck, honey” (on his sartorial works of art). Maybe I should make that my epitaph.

Repose en paix, Monsieur Mugler.

Pic courtesy of Reddit