True FASHUN

TIL that the irrelevant, overhyped, style-lacking suckfest for wannabe A-listers that’s the Mess, er, Met Gala is not only still happening, but is happening today. Didn’t that shit happen just a few months ago? Rather than get annoyed over how many dubious AF, talent-exempt who-dats got invited (which I’m sure will make up at least 90% of the attendees) and will show up in outfits that would make Fashion Nova seem high-end, I’d rather admire the past lewks of underrated fashionista João Paulo!

Back in 2016, João took whatever household shit he had and recreated some of the Gala’s most, ahem, memorable outfits. Who needs the couturiers of Louis Vuitton and pricey hairstylists when you can have your own celebrity-inspired haute couture and hair with some foil, duct tape, and wig from the Dollar Store?! I’m not sure if he recreated other outfits from other Galas after, and that he wasn’t invited to the 2017 event after his landmark FASHUN moment all the more proves how out-of-touch that withered barnacle with the bad wig known as Anna Wintour is. If anything, the Gala needs João more than he needs the Gala.

Pic courtesy of Dlisted, where you can see more of João serving real Gala-worthy style here! 

Vintage Balm For My Eyes

Still iconic thirty years later: 90s supermodels on Vogue’s 100th anniversary issue, April 1992. I have this issue! And no April Fool’s joke here–all their faces and bodies are all-natural! After having the misfortune to come across the eyesore that is last month’s cover of InStyle (I’ve seen scarecrows show more emotion) at work yesterday, seeing that memorable image has given me life again. Well, that is until I see another one-note, drowsy-eyed product of nepotism “earn” another “fashion” mag cover again. Which will, sadly, be soon.

By the way, to this day I’m still miffed that Yasmeen Ghauri (the brunette model in the middle left) never had a Vogue cover on her own. Dat face and figure alone should’ve been worthy of at least ten Vogue covers. Even Anna Wintour was making dubious choices long before a certain soulless klan from Calabasas came her way.

Duckin’ Fabulous

After seeing these fashionably loud ducks serve up style and glamour at the recent Pied Piper Duck Show in Sydney, Australia, the runways of Milan, Paris, and New York once again need to step up their game. You know designers need to go back to the drawing board when duck couture is more appealing than whatever this mess is. (I guess the folks at The Fashion Spot haven’t seen their optometrist in a while because they think that look is a “hit”. *snorts*) Also, the pose game of these feathered catwalkers (or should I say, duckwalkers) is top notch. Linda and Naomi would be proud of those birds in pink, while the duck in blue is flaunting leg leg leg like they’re channeling their inner Nadja Auermann. To botch a lyric from RuPaul’s “Supermodel”, “you betta quack, bitch!”

Pic courtesy of Sad And Useless (although I first read about this show here)

Fanning Myself Over The Elegance

BFF cover 1

While other so-called “fashion magazines” are either killing off their print editions (while giving dead-eyed husks a cover), or putting an NFT of a tone-deaf, selfish-defining, substance-exempt piece of irrelevance on their covers, here comes Black Fashion Fair to serve glamour and fashun to my glamour-and-fashun-starved self. I had to check the date of those publications because I am not used to seeing such proper style from recent years, let alone from 2022. You could show me that cover and I’d think that came from the mid-90s, not from this tragic decade. Look at that–no drowsy eyes, the models don’t look awfully airbrushed, and not a hint of irony anywhere (unlike having a plastic surgery mess photoshopped to the hilt on a “Body Issue”). The other covers are stylin’ too! It goes to show that maybe there are still some true artists in the bleak AF fashion world who aren’t driven by online clicks or that nonsense. But it’s also a damn shame that the mainstream “fashion mags” would rather showcase wannabe A-listers who supposedly get online clicks in an attempt to sell covers instead of what they’re supposed to feature this whole time: fashion.

I’d buy a copy of BFF, but not only is the issue worth the same hourly price to solicit a former Teen Mom-turned-hooker (OK, the mag is worth way more than that), all copies of its first edition are sold out. Your move, other fashion mags!

A Glamorous Farewell

violet with mugler

Badass glamour has sadly gone to heaven with the passing of legendary fashion designer Thierry Mugler today (seen above with drag queen Violet Chachki). Now he’ll be trading bitchy bon mots with Andre Leon Talley and designing Betty White’s dress for her third 100th birthday gala up in the heavens.

For those who aren’t familiar with Mugler’s work, first off, shame on you! Second, watch these clips and prepare yourself for an onslaught of sex alien high-heeled waist-cinched FASHUN eleganza that could turn all the leggings and frayed-up skinny jeans at Macy’s into a meager pile of basic rubble.

Though this version of George Michael’s “Too Funky” video is the one all of us know, this vid is Mugler’s nipple-raising director’s cut.

And, of course, I cannot forget his cheeky appearance in Robert Altman’s Ready To Wear Pret-a-Porter!

“It’s all about getting a great fuck, honey” (on his sartorial works of art). Maybe I should make that my epitaph.

Repose en paix, Monsieur Mugler.

Pic courtesy of Reddit

Gems On My Gems

This week’s Throwback Thursday is not only fulfilling my need for vintage eye candy here, but also celebrating the 25th anniversary of the most ridiculously expensive tit cups to ever be created: the “Fantasy Bra” from Victoria’s Secret. It was first introduced on the chest of supermodel Claudia Schiffer (above) for VS’s 1996 Christmas catalog, with a price tag of a million dollahs. According to VS’s Wiki, only two of those gem-covered creations have been sold to this day, and 2018 was the last time the Fantasy Bra was featured. Don’t expect the bra to come back anytime soon, as VS has since underwent a brand revamp that does not include their Angels and fashion shows. 

Ideally, my fantasy bra would be the hands of a longish-haired Playgirl centerfold gently cupping my chichis (at least there won’t be any side bulge!), so a million-dollar bra covered in diamonds and gems is fine if someone gave me a mil to buy it. I don’t even know if I could afford a cubic zirconia-covered bra. Like 90s supermodels, the Fantasy Bra was at least purdy to look at. 

 

Viva Versace

If I was a rich bitch (for now I’m just a bitch), one of the things I’d blow my money on would be vintage Versace outfits. Granted, none of them would fit me properly, but I’ve always wanted to collect a few pieces from the Gianni days. Like a gown that Liz Hurley would’ve worn back in the mid-90s.

Today would’ve been the 75th birthday of Gianni Versace, so for this week’s Throwback Thursday, here are a couple of my favorite collections of his, as well as a clip of his work from VH1’s first ever Fashion Awards. Compare his designs to that of his sister Donatella’s after his untimely death in 1997; it’s like night and day.

And if you’re device malfunctions while watching these videos, it’s because it couldn’t handle all the glamour and fashun from these clips!

(Side note: I adore Claudia Schiffer, but this show alone highlights how cringe her walk was.)

Glam & Fashion In One GIF

I haven’t done as many Throwback Thursdays as I’ve wanted to lately. For this month, all TTs will pay tribute to some of the fun things that went down in 1991. Because, y’know, thirty year anniversary and all that stuff to make some of you feel really old. And for today’s TT, I am feeling for–wait for it–glamour and fashion! I could post a bunch of vintage captures, but there just happens to be a single GIF that encapsulates all the style of that year: 

So much fashion and 90s supermodel glam in one GIF. Those nepotism cases that get passed off as “models” these days could never. If the recent Fashion Week shows in NYC and Paris bored the shit out of you (and I’m betting a dollar it did), may that GIF be balm for your eyes. The video of that moment is also worth a watch!