Just Bask In All The Glam

Happy 20th anniversary to this fantabulous masterpiece that was released in the spring of 2001. Sheeit, I remember the uproar from some of the pearl-clutchers back then who thought the video was too raunchy. Oh, if those prudes saw the gimcrackery you see and hear from, um, music these days. Meanwhile, teen me spent many afternoons on her own trying to nail down Xtina’s part, but all I did was startle my cat (RIP Snowball) and attack nearby eardrums when I attempted to do so. I was better off doing Missy’s part instead–all three seconds of it.

Also, look–no mumbling, no twerking, no mopey faces or overinflated asses! Just a fun and well-crafted pop song (yes, I’m aware it’s a remake) with confident women hitting all the right notes, and a memorable video to go with it. Now that’s how pop music should be done.

My Kind Of Eye Bleach

After straining my eyes from digging up all those links in my last rant, looking at my bank account to see if I got my stimulus payment (which I did not), and seeing more posts on despicable violence against Asians (just…why?) and another mention of my state governor being “recalled” (it’s not gonna happen, idiots), I need eye bleach. Some turn to adorable animals, but I’m feeling for vintage HIGH GLAMOUR. Enter the work of Mario Casilli!

It’s currently a cool 61 degrees where I live, and these images alone have me fanning myself. I LIVE for that campy 80s glamour, and Casilli captured it brilliantly.

All pics courtesy of this site that will bombard you with captures of vintage fabulousness. 

Beauty For Your Friday

e.l.f Cosmetics’ tasty collab with Chipotle enchanted me so much yesterday that I (once again) forgot to do a Throwback Thursday post. But there’s always Flashback Friday, and if you remember seeing Penelope Cruz‘ US Vogue cover when it originally dropped 20 years ago this month, congrats–you’re an old like me!

This cover had me mesmerized in more ways than one. The biggest one is the blurb “The Power Of Beauty” next to Penelope, a brown-eyed brunette Latina. It’s major because Anna Wintour usually saved such banter for WASPy blondes. (I have many issues of Vogue from the 90s, and Anna really flaunted her blonde fetish during that decade.) After seeing many images of white-bread blonde girls being touted as “beautiful” during my teen years in the mid/late 90s, seeing Penelope and those words was a breath of fresh air. 

Oh, I remember the little uproar from readers over Vogue featuring a topless woman on the cover. To this day, I find the picture classy AF. It’s only fitting that the late, great Herb Ritts captured the image (yet another reason why I loved that cover), and if any photographer knew how to do classy topless shots of women, it was him. Frankly, I’d rather see topless Penelope (“of course you would”–you) on the cover over a fully-clothed nepotism “model” or no-talent reality show basic that get on Vogue these days. I feel like who is striking the pose matters more than the pose itself.

By the way, nothing says POWER like conquering the world in nothing but a leather miniskirt. I’d do that…if I could afford a leather miniskirt. 

Just using this entry as an excuse to post the purdy pics of Penelope in her layout.  

Teen me back in March 2001 loved that cover so much, I ended up buying two copies of that issue. That issue was thiiiick, IIRC. I think it was over 500 pages; nowadays, Vogue is as thin as the range of expressions of a nepotism “model”. 2001 was also the last year Vogue had a nice mix of models and actresses on the covers, before Anna went overboard on her use of actresses for her covers the years after. (Funny that I now long for those trite actress covers of the mid/late 2000s after seeing who gets on Vogue these days.) I squealed with joy when I saw Linda Evangelista on that year’s September cover, but as much as I adore the hell out of Linda, hers was my second-favorite cover of 2001. Penelope’s still reigns that year. 

She Betta Work

Can I get a “happy birthday” up in here to gay icon and drag queen legend RuPaul? Yes, I’m aware of some of her faults, and I still side-eye her for allowing problematic scabs Lena Dumham and Nicki Garbaj being judges on Drag Race. But there’s no denying that she has done wonders for the gay community and drag queens both established and aspirational. Plus, I hope to have pins like hers when I’m in my 900s 50s, and she’s made lots of bops over the years, including this underrated jam that screams early 90s eleganza!

Happy birthday, Mama Ru! Birthday dance time!

A Glamorous Anniversary

Today marks 30 years since the release of one of the memorable and fabulous music videos ever made: George Michael’s “Freedom 90”! Birthday twins!

Obligatory “music videos can never be this amazing these days” and “90s supermodels are the hottest and the ‘models’ from today can’t compare”.

Although, for some odd reason, whenever I hear that song now, an image of a kitten escaping chaotic gunfire also pops in my head.

GLAMOUR For Your Weekend

Tired of awful news dominating headlines? Worn out from all things politics? Here’s some soothing balm for your eyes, courtesy of today’s birthday lady/fashion icon Bai Ling!!!

Aaaannnnd all Halloween costume contests have just been canceled since no one can top this piece de resistance.

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Not even that cuntbeast Covid can hold back a style goddess!

You may be thinking: there’s more class and fabric in a G-string than what Bai is wearing above. Oh, puh-lease. That G-string would plead and beg to be worn by Miss Ling so it can be seen and be part of fashion history. And I’d bemoan over why Bai has never been on the cover of Vogue and Bazaar, but given some of the no-talent, empty-eyed trash heaps they’ve shamefully given covers to in the past, those rags don’t deserve her greatness!

Happy birthday, Bai!

Versayce And Whores, Darlin’

I’m a sucker for high-brow, award-winning entertainment. So it’s only fitting that I celebrate the anniversary of one of modern cinema’s truest gems of camp and cuntiness: Showgirls!!!!

Released twenty-five years ago today (get your whorish, doggy chow-flavored birthday cake out), I actually did not view this future Criterion Collection addition (it’s not part of the CC yet?!) until 20 years after its initial release. I know–escandalo of me. But when I watched it for the first time, I was not prepared for the onslaught of such tacky, mesmerizing divineness.

I mean, Cristal ain’t lying.  

If you’re wondering what my skill level of pole-dancing is, it’s at Nomi Malone. 

That GIF is small but the laughs from this remain MASSIVE AHAHAHAHAHA

It remains one of life’s greatest crimes in the past 25 years that while Showgirls bombed hard in theaters upon its initial release, years later we would see not one but three shit movies based on a poorly-written, shit book series that romanticizes manipulation and abuse between a rich asshole and spineless virgin chick top the box office charts. That alone proves that society further devolved from the mid-90s to the 2010s and don’t fact-check me on that! But while all those 50 Shits books and DVDs continue to collect dust at your local Goodwill, Showgirls continues to prove itself enduring. HoWood can keep churning out endless remakes, sequels, and comic book movies, and none of those flicks will have the memorability and charm of this one line:

If you’re gonna celebrate Showgirls‘ 25th birthday today and your only viewing option for it is on VH1 (assuming they started airing quality programming again), I may have to splash some champagne aka holy water on your face Cristal-style. If you take joy in scenes being skipped, badly-dubbed lines, and coverups over the nude bits that look so damn crude, it…is fitting for the movie, go and watch the VH1 version. But you’re better off with the DVD or uncut version wherever you can stream it. Also, give a listen to the soundtrack. It’s the tits and will make you wanna lick a stripper pole.

Kylie To The Rescue!

 

If you need some soothing eye (and ear and soul) balm after being ASSaulted by another unwanted serving of hackneyed hoochie heinies *cough*Cardi Blah and that other chick who seems to be no different than Cardi*cough*, just watch this video by thee Kylie herself and you’ll be healed! (And also craving glitter everything and your own gilded disco horse…or is it just me?) Praise be to Miss Minogue, and her return to alleviate us in these dreary AF times with her signature prescription of fun disco-pop and sparkly, colorful visuals that would make Lisa Frank jelly. Best of all, no fake asses in the video!

Mmmm, Cheetos

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This week’s Hump Day post is brought to you by Rihanna on the September subscriber cover of Harper’s Bizarre (typo and it stays), wearing some designer coat that I’m sure was made from the skins of many Muppet rejects. If you’re wondering about the post title, I cannot be the only one who sees that coat & picture and think “flying processed cheese-dusted puffs!” They take up more space than the head of Miss Ooh Na Na! I’m sure fellow Cheeto hound Britney Spears saw this pic and also thought the same thing.

I like RiRi and the rest of her layout, but I refuse to give props to HB. Especially after all the times they foolishly gave covers to the K-trash, Cardi B Exhausting, and the Hadont sisters. Oh, and there was this criminal act of fuckery that should have caused Diana Vreeland to rise back up from the dead and bitch-slap HB’s delusional AF editor-in-chief (whoever she is/was).  Frankly, if they really wanted to redeem themselves, they could’ve started by using this shot of RiRi for their cover instead:

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High heels, diamonds, and sunglasses at night? Helmut Newton would approve. And if you’re wondering what’s in the trash bags, it’s the unsold products of Fist Brown’s latest album & Secondary Reality Show Personality’s “skincare” line (and RiRi’s got many, many more bags of the first two to throw out), as well as what’s left of Drake’s ability to find women 18 and over attractive, and Beyonce’s best weaves (RiRi would keep them but she’s got better taste!).