Smelling Like Teen Spirit

Bath & Body Works’ Semi-Annual Sale recently ended, and despite amassing a haul that made my bank account curse my name to the depths of Hell yet again, I could not find my precious that is B&BW’s Sun-Ripened Raspberry body spray. And then I learned it got discontinued. Again. It blows because my current SRR spray (that I bought five, six (?) years ago) is now 20 percent full and has a janky nozzle. But I still enjoy it from time to time despite the pump “squirting” out the scent as opposed to emitting a fine mist, as its scent takes me back to some good ol’ days.

You know you’re a true old when you remember buying that scent in that bottle with that label, at the B&BW in your local mall that was right next to Sam Goody and across from 5-7-9 and Suncoast Motion Picture Company. Along with Body Fantasies and Bottled Emotion, B&BW’s body sprays were the first perfumes teen me owned, and Sun-Ripened Raspberry, Cucumber Melon, and Country Apple were mah jams. In my umpteenth attempt to relive my pimple-ridden, chubby-faced youth, I was able to snag some goodies of the last two scents from B&BW’s recent sale. Of course, not a single Sun-Ripened Raspberry product was in sight. Not even on their website, and the going prices for SRR stuff on eBay alone is ridiculous. The nerve of those eBay sellers to put a price on pure nostalgia!

I’ll let BasenoteBitch close it out for me: 

This is one of the aromatic idols Bath and Body Works pumped out starting circa 1996. The girl who wears this is a nubile wobbling baby deer in her new Steve Madden Slinky slides. She’s on her way to her first dance recital with approximately 800 bobby pins and glitter spray in a very tightly wound bun. Said bun is likely stopping valuable blood to the brain.

Side note: I read that and one other review from that hilarious perfume review site, and instantly bookmarked it.

The Most Unforgettable Eye Balm

After coming across this disturbing headline (who knew that damn thing could sink any lower), I had to cleanse my eyes quick. And there’s no betta balm for battered eyes than 80s supermodel glamour (at least for me), courtesy of these classic Revlon ads!

No tired eyes, no basic-ness detected, no problem! Even their hair is serving it! 

Pics courtesy of Fashion Gone Rouge

Two Bouquets Of Hotness

Because I need to cleanse my eyes and soul after both were subjected to the awfulness that is life in 2022, here are old-school (it’s old-school to Gen Z since these pics came from when Gen Z were gleams in the eyes of their parents; meanwhile, I was in high school when those covers came out so yes I’m an old) captures of two of my favorite hotties, who went up to my then-straight sexuality and declared “you straight no mo’, honey'”, who also share a birthday today, Penelope Cruz and Jessica Alba! If you can hear a loud-ass whirr right now, that’s the fan I turned on and set on the highest setting because I need to cool mahself down after seeing those pics. (Side note: every Maxim cover and layout back then really deserved many Photoshop Awards. They airbrushed the hell out of those women, which, in J-Alba’s case, was simply not necessary.)

Envy Me, Honey

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Say hello to THE perfume that defined my wild child days during the mid to late 2000s: Gucci’s Envy Me! I’m not sure how, where, or when we were introduced, but I know its floral-fruity notes had me hooked. This smell, which I still have as you can see (albeit down to a couple tablespoons left), takes me back to some fun-ass nights. Raving and humping sweaty, semi-drunk hotties on the dance floor at Ruby Skye in SF till 6AM. Getting lap dances from Love Spell-scented strippers at Crazy Horse (I swear, Love Spell was THE choice smell of strippers back then). Cruising down Sunset Blvd and partying at Avalon Hollywood during my summer trips to LA. Ah, to be in your 20s during a time before soul-sucking shit like cell phones, social media, and Covid came into existence. About the only thing I didn’t do then was go sans panties a la Britney and Lindsay, so I guess I wasn’t that much of a wild child. But, yes, just a whiff of Gucci’s Envy Me brings all that back. That it was discontinued some time ago is criminal (as is its expensive AF resell price these days), but it could’ve been worse: it could have been reformulated. *side-eyes J’Adore perfume*

Throwback Eye Candy

With all the ugly ugly ugly going on that keeps going in the world (pandemic shit, global warming, next month’s issue of Vogue), is it any wonder why I keep turning back to the past for balm for the eyes? This week’s Throwback Thursday is brought to you by some vintage eye candy, courtesy of today’s birthday hotties, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Denise Richards!

This clip is now 10 years old?! And LOL at this vid being “age-restricted.” There’s been far worse on YT that don’t even get that warning.

Yes, I had the clip start at that part. And to think that movie was marketed to us teens back in the late 90s. Which, coincidentally, was the same time I started to question if I was really straight. Gee, I wonder why.

And It’s About Hot Mens Too

essence feb 96 copy

This week’s Throwback Thursday is brought to you by this vintage Essence cover from the mid-90s that has also fulfilled my sudden craving for vintage hot mens. (Well, somewhat fulfilled–I can be insatiable in this category.) How odd that mid-90s mag covers proudly showed shirtless panty-creamers with muscles, delectably glistened skin, and nips in your face, whereas nowadays a Vanity Fair cover with Michael B Jordan almost drowning is supposed to bring the hotness. (It didn’t, which is a hard feat to accomplish when someone like MBJ is involved!) That’s reason #549 why I favor old school mag covers over the newer ones.

I Older

It’s Throwback Thursday, and like I did last year, here are some things that will reach its Silver Jubilee this year that I enjoyed when they first came out. Pass me a bag of Werthers and my Bonne Bell Lip Smackers as I pay remembrance of fun things past.

–Spice Girls mania! Platform shoes and mindlessly chanting “girl power”–it was fun to be a teen then. Well, until you did P.E. in said platform shoes; then it sucked. How I survived running laps in shoes Baby Spice would’ve approved is beyond me.

–one word: MMMBop

–two words: Da Dip

–three words: Encore Une Fois

–four words: Gettin’ Jiggy With It 

(and, look, no autotune in any of those songs)

Giga Pets. I was the proud owner of a few. I occasionally get awful flashbacks of seeing my pet get its angel wings when I least expected it. I swear, I took care of my tech fur babies and never neglected them!

–the debut of King Of The Hill, I tell ya hwat

Buffy The Vampire Slayer!!! And the rise of fierce, kick-ass female characters on TV (Buffy, Xena, and eventually Dark Angel, Alias, and, yes, the OG Powerpuff Girls). Incels be damned.

South Park, which also debuted in ’97

–Mariah’s Butterfly album

–Erykah Badu’s Baduizm album (which spawned a brief period of me imitating her with towels wrapped atop my head and body while I badly sung her songs)

–and the following albums: Supa Dupa Fly, The Velvet Rope, The Fat Of The Land, Middle Of Nowhere, Wyclef Jean Presents The Carnival, No Way Out, Share My World, and, of course, Spice World!

DARIA!

–Cover Girl makeup and that unforgettable Noxzema smell from their “Clean” makeup. 1997 was the year I first got into makeup, and thanks to those ads with Niki Taylor and Tyra Banks, I wanted to be easy, breezy, and beautiful. I grew up to be just easy.

–these bad girls:

lip smackers!

Tropical Punch and Bubble Gum were my true besties that year.

–Clinique’s Happy, which also debuted in ’97

–Body Fantasies body sprays. Raspberry and Pear were my jams, and, along with Clinique’s Happy, were smells that quickly take me back to junior high. Why those scents got discontinued and got replaced by what-dats like “Twilight Mist” (huh?) and “Romance & Dreams” (wha?!) is a major disservice to us olds who just want to relive our youth through cheap body sprays!

–these movies: Men In Black, Good Burger, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, I Know What You Did Last Summer, George Of The Jungle, Anastasia, Scream 2, and the underrated cinematic masterpiece known as Beverly Hills Ninja!

–that one time a student in my 8th grade class got a bootleg of Titanic and showed it to us during free period. I didn’t get the movie’s hype at the time and I wasn’t into Leo DiCaprio like almost all the other girls were back then.

–shopping at Mervyn’s so I can get the latest pair of ellemeno super flares. By the way, all that hype over Gen Z “bringing back bell-bottoms” needs to cease completely. Their Gen-X parents and us old millenials first brought them back in the 90s, and when we were wearing them, it was a far less polarizing time. Unlike, you know, now.

when rap music videos were supa dupa truly fire

when slow jams were romantic and sexy!

So much good good that happened in ’97, and I can’t post ’em all here. But I can say happy belated birthday to this fun megamix from Wild 107.7, broadcasted 25 years ago this month. I listened to a lot of Wild 107.7 (which moved to 94.9FM in ’97, I think) back then, so maybe I heard all this when it originally played. Or maybe not. Oh, who cares–just party!

Gems On My Gems

This week’s Throwback Thursday is not only fulfilling my need for vintage eye candy here, but also celebrating the 25th anniversary of the most ridiculously expensive tit cups to ever be created: the “Fantasy Bra” from Victoria’s Secret. It was first introduced on the chest of supermodel Claudia Schiffer (above) for VS’s 1996 Christmas catalog, with a price tag of a million dollahs. According to VS’s Wiki, only two of those gem-covered creations have been sold to this day, and 2018 was the last time the Fantasy Bra was featured. Don’t expect the bra to come back anytime soon, as VS has since underwent a brand revamp that does not include their Angels and fashion shows. 

Ideally, my fantasy bra would be the hands of a longish-haired Playgirl centerfold gently cupping my chichis (at least there won’t be any side bulge!), so a million-dollar bra covered in diamonds and gems is fine if someone gave me a mil to buy it. I don’t even know if I could afford a cubic zirconia-covered bra. Like 90s supermodels, the Fantasy Bra was at least purdy to look at.