Yaaasss Amanda

I didn’t watch the inauguration ceremonies live today because this night owl woke up late, as I always do on my days-off from work. (Blasted east coast time!) In between catching up on the inauguration stories and celebrating the birfday of Dwight Schrute, I saw headlines on Amanda Gorman, who happens to be the youngest poet to perform at an inauguration. I read her poem in full. Then I watched her recital. And my wig was snatched in the end. I heard J-Lo performed after her, but she should’ve gone home after that and continued arguing with people on social media about how legit her face and skincare products are (*snorts*), because Amanda set the bar high with that poem and recital that Maya Angelou would have approved. 

Just reading the text is not enough. Watch the video instead. Miss Amanda has this poetry geek swooning!

Comfort In Chichis

I couldn’t find a fun thing to post here (that also didn’t have to do with the terrorist bungwipes getting shamed and arrested for participating in last week’s Fascistpalooza, as I want to avoid that topic for a minute) for the past few days. Just when I was going to file a theft report on Steve Harvey’s daughter for stealing Michael B Jordan away from me (booooo), another favorite subReddit of mine came through with a perky post on what may very well be the breast pillow ever!

And the company who makes these “most realistic boob” pillows with “100% mammary foam” (ahahahaha) must be after my heart and wallet. They look realistic–at least if you look at them like they’re fake titties. The pillow above seems to have one titty slightly bigger than the other and the “wide canyon” in the between, just like a classic stripper’s rack, so the company got the realistic part right. My all-natural swing-low sweet chariots can’t compare, but they do look like that after you’ve had seven beers.

Also, I cannot be the only one who reads the descriptions and think all of it was originally written in a foreign language and went through BabelFish for translation:

you feel very interesting, with curves contoured like those of a woman, creative breast boob pillow for comfort, it will be your best friend who brightens your mood…”

I dunno, if I were to nestle my head in the chichis of my bestie every time I need to brighten my mood (and that’s like almost every other day hour), she’d be questioning the hell out of our friendship.

The more I look at it (and I need to stop looking at it), the more I see its versatility. Think about it: you can use it to actually relax your neck or low back, do slut stuff with it if that’s your game, use it as a breastplate to scare or humor others, pillow fight with it, or display it in your home on the shelf as a work of art. Basic ergonomic neck/low back pillows be damned, for the MyTittyPillow has arrived to suit your many comforting needs!

Pic courtesy of the The Top Store

My Boo

I’m about to hit the hay and I hope to wake up to some happy news about the Georgia Senate Runoff elections. Until then, I shall dream of today’s birthday hottie bombshell top member of my fantasy harem Irina Shayk throwing her bikini top on me and then some! (And then I wake up to my body pillow soaked with my slobber, then mope over not having the real thing yet again afterwards.) Happy birthday, Irina!!!

I Old

Things that will be 25 effing years old this year that I enjoyed when they originally came out:

Spice Girls’ debut album

“The Nutty Professor” (Hercules! Hercules! And the soundtrack was slammin’ too!)

“Hunchback Of Notre Dame” (hey, I was a pre-teen in ’96)

–the debut of “3rd Rock From The Sun” (and my crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt!)

–Aaliyah’s “One In A Million” album

“Independence Day”

Pop-Up Fucking Video

–also, these following shows: Moesha, Kenan & Kel, and Hey Arnold!

“Homerpalooza”!

–THE DAMN MACARENA DANCE AND THAT DAMN SONG (no link necessary)

–Fugees’ “The Score” album

“Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood” 

–2Pac’s “All Eyez On Me” album  

–Toni Braxton’s “Secrets” album

–speaking of, the start of my crush on Tyson Beckford after I saw him in Toni’s “Unbreak My Heart” video

THIS SONG AND VIDEO

–also this eternal bop and the video full of natural-looking babes (no fake titties and asses, slug lips, heavy makeup, and super-straight weaves?! Shocker!)

“Space Jam”!!!!

“Beavis & Butthead Do America”

–and, of course, this forever jam and the video that always gets me feeling FIERCE whenever I listen to it!

Just remembering all this had me sprout a gray hair or ten, but to those who say they’d rather go back to 2019 (why?) or 2009 instead of living in 2020 Part 5, you youths don’t know true halcyon days! Take me back to 1996 instead! Sure, I’d have to put up with slow-ass dial-up and that screeching sound from the modem to get the world wide web via Compuserve, but it’s not a bad trade-off when I could also enjoy all of the above and also a time when politics was less polarizing and when real supermodels graced the covers of my fashion mags.

My Kind of Happy Anniversary Pic!

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A celebrity couple that’s been married for longer than two years is considered an anomaly these days, so leave it to one of my favorite celeb couples (they’re only one of a handful–most celeb couples bore or annoy me), Ice-T and the always demure golden rose Coco, to show everyone how true boobs, I mean, love is done. That pic radiates all the joy and boobs and love and thigh and boobs and, yes, I must talk about Coco’s top. It’s like a knockoff of J-Lo’s infamous Versace dress but cut down to minidress size and more see-through so that the goosebumps on your areolas can also pose for pictures. In short, THE perfect anniversary dress! (What, you expected me to call it tacky? Have you just started reading my blog?)

Congrats to them, and may they have many more boobs, er, years together!

Sweeeeeeeets!

While I received some solid gifts this year, let’s be real: the best gifts come from yourself. You know yourself the best, you know? One Xmas gift from me to me this year came in the form of cookies, cookies, and some brownies.

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I usually bake my own cookies and brownies; the prepackaged kinds can be hit or miss with me. But it was hard to turn down a set of gourmet cookies & brownies on sale at Macy’s. Like I was gonna wait for someone to gift this to me. Even the listing says it’s “the perfect gift, especially for yourself.” (They’re kind of right; the real perfect gift for me remains a thousand wishes to all come true. That way I can have 1000 gifts and have things like a billion dollars and endless hump sessions with Adam Driver and Adriana Lima.) I never heard of Salt Of The Earth Bakery before; they’re apparently a gourmet bakery located in Brooklyn, NY. Excuse me for feeling a little fancy for buying gourmet desserts from NYC. 

When I make cookies, they tend to run on the small size. These babies are the size of my palm!   

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This one is The Cookie–a classic chocolate chip sprinkled with some sea salt. Taste is pretty good. I also tried The Wild Oat, since I’ve been craving oatmeal cookies. One thing with oatmeal cookies is that some include chocolate chip in the mix, which is fine but I prefer to have it straight up oatmeal. That one was delish! 

Unlike its cookie sibling, the brownies are regular-sized. 

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I have not made a dent in those ones, but I did sample (and by “sample” I mean devour like a brownie monster) one of The Nutty Ones. When I make my brownies, I prefer some walnuts or pecans in them. Something about a brownie without nuts make them plain. (Yeah, I know–controversial opinion.) I expected The Nutty One to have some nuts in them, but the “nut” part came from some peanut butter mixed in the brownie. Just when I was going to cry “false advertising!” I took a bite of it. They got me with the taste. It was delectable, like what fine champagne streaming down the augmented mounds of an exotic dancer would taste like. 

This set of 20 big-ass cookies and 10 brownies is more than enough to fulfill my cookie and brownie cravings for the next few months. If you’re not near their store in Brooklyn and you’d also like to have a buttload of sweets and earn yourself permanent residency on Diabeetus Island, you can buy the set here or here (though wait till Macy’s has a big sale)! 

Now That’s How You Cheer Me Up

It’s Monday, the Winter solstice, cold AF and foggy outside, and PMS is knocking on my door. But none of that can bring me down, for these vintage pics of Susan Lucci (living out a Jackie Collins fever dream) and latex Madame Mary Tyler Moore (with Dick Van Dyke) are serving me fun and fantasy!

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Pics from Vanity Fair, December 1995 issue, courtesy of this site that I stumbled onto today

Listening To…(12/18)

One of my music queens, Christina Aguilera! Because it’s her birfday today!! Excuse me while I fangirl!!!

WHY there was no music video for this underrated gem is one of the music industry’s biggest crimes, right up there with allowing Justin Timberdouche to keep making records.

Probably my favorite song from her last album, which, in a just world, should’ve gone quadruple-platinum and topped the charts from debut to end of the year, don’t question me.

Christina X DJ Premier…yaaassss. And the name-dropping of soul and jazz legends always gets me.

If she ever releases another BtB-esque album that’s nothing but jazz and blues influences, I’d buy ALL versions of it–MP3, CD, cassette, 8 track–twenty times for each medium. Since the current music industry would rather hype up forgettable, substance-exempt drivel (I’m not talking about you, Taylor Swift–you’re actually cool in my book) these days, I know all the copies I will buy will be the only sales Xtina will have. 😦

I had to add a fourth song here, not just because Xtina enters her fourth decade today, but this one tune was supposed to be the only song I posted. But posting just one song of one of my music queens on a milestone birthday of hers would’ve been foolish of me! This performance is from 20 years ago so excuse the video quality and her glossy pout beauty in this. It was from VH1’s (then an actual music channel) “Men Strike Back” show, and she was the only female performer in the all-music-dudes lineup. Never mind why, for at the 2:35 mark, she does THAT. If you’re not uplifted after that point in the song, check your pulse!

Also, I miss hair crimps! Ah well, happy fabulous 40th, Christina!!!!