Haha On Yous

I’ve found a new subReddit to take delight in!

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The vile, oxygen thieving terrorists ruined what should’ve been a sweet Hump Day this week by staging Fascistpalooza (that’s what I’m calling it) at the Capitol. But it seems like some wrongs are being righted as we speak thanks to Bye Bye Job! The Uplifting News and Made Me Smile subReddits need to drop their names and come up with new titles, because all the headlines at BBJ actually uplift me and make me smile! On the flip side, now I really gotta watch my ass on this blog. If there’s ever a tool that can detect the real identity behind a blogger name and if posting endless pics of Irina Shayk becomes a crime in the near future, I’m screwed!

Oh, and there’s also Orange Hitler getting permabanned on Blue Bird. While it’s, oh, four years too late and it had to take an attempted coup for them to finally ban his ass, there’s always imagining how pissed off Tiny Hands is right now. I think there’s an artist’s rendition of it somewhere…

(I know there’s one with Chump’s head photoshopped in the GIF, but I’d rather not post his unfortunate mug around here. Name-dropping him is enough for me.)

**UPDATE: 1/13/20: aaaaand I got another subReddit (that particularly focuses on the Fascistpalooza dipshits) to take joy in! Squeeeee!!

Deal Breakers: Revised Edition!

Me sizing up a potential hump mate in 2021 and beyond…

Are you dating anyone right now? Hump Mate: “No”

Are you against all of the following: racism, sexism, homophobia, anti-Semitism, police brutality, and xenophobia? Hump Mate: “Yeah, of course”

Have you ever partied maskless or/and traveled far and often for your enjoyment during the ongoing pandemic? Hump Mate: *squirms* “Uhhh, umm…” 

Me:

The more fools I see acting the fool during this pandemic, the more likely I’m gonna stay single and fapping until I hit the grave. 

 

Mood Right Now

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My phone broke on me yesterday and I had to make an emergency phone buy, since I need a phone to work. The damage to my “old” phone (it’s only nine months old) is repairable but it will cost me. (It accidentally fell while I was jogging and now the touchscreen doesn’t work. Moral of the story: don’t exercise.) The scramble to fix my phone myself (which didn’t work), getting a new temp phone, and configuring the new phone cost me precious writing/editing time on my day off. 

I also worked today so I was pretty much Santa doing grocery deliveries. Ho Ho Ho. While driving, I passed by a crowd checking out Xmas displays in a neighborhood, and, hoo, the no-mask wearing fools I saw roaming in that crowd. I saw one bungwipe wear his mask like a chinstrap while coughing up his lungs before going into that crowd. Jesus’ tear ducts are officially broken from all the weeping he’s done over some people’s blatant stupidity and selfishness.

Also, a website that used to be a favorite of mine (not Reddit) has lost its snarky touch and keeps giving mentions to bores and no-talent assholes who don’t deserve any more attention. And Aunt Flo’s flight to my airport arrived early. 

Bah Humfuckbug. 

I’m gonna open my presents early and fatten my butt with these to cheer me up. 

Another Late Night Rant

The Good: there’s now a Covid vaccine and it’s free

The Bad: many, many of us gotta wait a while to get it 

The Goddamn, Despicably Fucking Ugly: reading how evil assholes like Rupert Murdoch and Mike Pence get the vaccine before some, if not many, frontline workers are still waiting for theirs. And then there’s this and this story

There’s never been a better time to learn how to make a guillotine. 

 

Not My Kind Of Fantasy

Me when I dick around on Reddit or Tumblr (I know, I know) and I have the misfortune of reading how some fangirls or fanboys or fan-enbys want their faves/crushes to “punch” or “choke” them, or in the case of this Adam Driver post, “step on my throat” (yeesh):

Hey, I too want Adam to do some crazy freaky triple-X things to me, no shame at all, but not that kind of shit!!! And I know I got some interesting fetishes, but I draw the line at someone going Fist Brown on me. What is up with some people wet-dreaming about their faves doing something demented and abusive to them? Even if it’s all consensual, eh…I just cannot wrap my head around it. I guess fantasizing over your faves/crushes for a simple makeout and hearty orifice-ramming is now uncool with the kids these days. Now they want the UFC Special. Blech!

**UPDATE: so I got a message saying that the line from that AD post came from John Oliver’s show and that it was all a gag. Before you bring out the donkey to bray at me, my ass doesn’t have the luxury of subscribing to HBO, nor did I hear about that until just now, so how should I know its context? It also doesn’t explain all those crazies on Tumblr and elsewhere who fantasize about being a “punching bag” to all the members of BTS.

Justice For Lauren

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As someone who has a few friends who used to do sex work, I support those who get into the adult industry/do sex work to support themselves when other resources that should be supporting them (like their regular job, parents/relatives who refuse to help out/the current blasted federal government, etc.) fail to. That her medic job wasn’t paying her enough while she was out there in NYC saving lives during a pandemic is the REAL shame. That and New York Post still exists. Fuck the NY Post, and double fuck Dean Balsamini and Susan Edelman for sharting up that article and doxxing her at the same time. All of them are right down there with dysentery.

Also, help Lauren out if you can!

True Dat

true dat

In my case, that trust went out the window and broke into a thousand pieces on the pavement. (It’s a Scorpio thing. If I lose trust in you, I won’t even lend you lint to watch over.) Seriously, this damn pandemic has me re-evaluating everyone, from friends to celebrity favorites (looks at Keanu with much disappointment). The rose-colored glasses have been cracked and the PR machine can cease the weak bandage fluff pieces. Anyone who chose to take the pandemic lightly with their anti-mask, party-throwing, travel-happy ways is someone who shouldn’t be taken seriously from here on out.

Click on tweet for its source

This Is Every Frilly Layer of No

harry in a dress

I usually enjoy seeing men of all gender representations get their classic femininity on, whether it’s wearing makeup, high heels, a dress, or all three. So why does seeing that pic of Harry Styles in a dress dry up and freeze my basement? Oh, that’s right, I was never into Harry in the first place (sorry 1D fanwhores). He never did a thing for me, and whenever I see a pic of him, I’m all the more thankful that I also find women attractive. Also, the pics are bleh, but then I don’t expect US Vogue (who have not been fashion-relevant in YEARS and if you need any proof just look at the pic they used for Harry’s cover) and their current roster of ho-hum photographers to capture an otherwise rad concept properly. That may be a Vogue image, but I’m getting Target catalog vibes from it. (In fairness, Target is more fashion-relevant than Vogue.)

While it’s great that Harry has no shame in cross-dressing, I somehow can’t buy him being this generation’s gender-bending fashun music icon. It takes more than just a guy putting on a purdy dress (or a woman dressing in a man’s suit) to gender bend. And on the occasions I hear about Harry, he doesn’t seem to have the personality and spark to pull the image off.  Honey’s no Bowie or Prince or Elton; hell, he’s not even mid/late-90s Dennis Rodman, Billy Porter, or even this former hot bitch I used to swoon over (*sulks over why he had to ruin himself*).

Also, whyyyyy are my nana’s old bedskirts (that she ended up donating to a thrift store ’cause she developed better taste) his dress?! In the words of Raja and Raven, it’s an automatic boot!

Pic courtesy of Lipstick Alley (via Vogue)

And Now, A Trivial Reddit Rant…

One thing I noticed from reading Reddit this past week (that’s not political): some posters there really hate the hell out of Amber Heard. “Fuck Amber Heard that abusive bitch free Johnny Depp he innocent!!!!” was the gist from those posts, of which I saw an influx of this past weekend.

OK, yeah, Amber sucks, but Johnny sucks too. And this is coming from someone who used to adore and swoon over Johnny 15 years ago. Then, sometime around 2012-2013, all those years of drugs and booze and God-knows-what-other-shit joined forces to battle Derp’s hotness and, surprisingly, won. Him making those “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies for the 215th time didn’t help. Around the same time, he left his long-time girlfriend whom he had his children with in favor of a basic blonde old enough to be his daughter. Then I remembered his hotel trashing with ex-GF Kate Moss and those rumors of him being involved with River Phoenix’ fatal overdose at the Viper Room. But of course the smooth-brained Derp stans on Reddit trying to canonize that Indian corn-teethed, smelly scarf-covered germ bomb forgot about their deity’s past, choosing to solely focus on how evil “Amber Turd” is. Newsflash, Derp stans: 

they both suck!

And Derp and Turd deserve each other. They need to kiss and make up, preferably in their poopy bed. 

By the way, Reddit can’t knock down an abusive actress while at the same time sending all the upvotes to a sans fards pic featuring the prettiest supporter of pedo supreme Woody Allen. But I also remember seeing some notable assholes like Elon Muskrat and this Covid-stricken rapist LOSER being mentioned in the “Uplifting News” sub (which can be basura at times, but then that’s just my cynical ass talking), so here’s another side-eye to add to the overflowing buckets of side-eyes for Reddit.