My Ears, My Precious Ears

Hell has a welcoming song and it’s that blasted 1-877-Kars-4-Kids “jingle”. Those who listen to KNBR 680AM and immediately switch to another station, mute the volume, or yells “shut the fuck up!” to someone who’s about to sing it whenever the commercial plays feel my pain. And if you have never heard of the commercial before, don’t ever. (Also, read this before you even think about donating your car to them.) I feel like every time that ad airs, a cat dies. If there’s one good thing about that aural abomination, it could be used for an interrogation. Put that thing on repeat and I bet it will make a bitch-ass criminal confess EVERYTHING!

OH GOD, WHY?!

I’m fully aware of Hollywood’s twisted fetish for ruining our childhood memories by remaking old movies and TV shows we adored in our youth. They did that with that live-action abomination known as Jem and the Holograms a couple years ago, but I never watched that cartoon as a kid (yes, I hear your shocked gasps), so it didn’t affect me. So when I saw this trending on Twitter…

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They came for my Powerpuff Girls? And made it live-action?! And Gen Z’d it?!?! Excuse me while I find a lighter so I can ignite my pubes. Also, I am so that pink-haired chick in background staring down this mess-in-the-making. The CW, which is the same network that had the nerve to reboot Dynasty so they’re no stranger to fuckery, could’ve gone with these guys at some costume shindig, called it the reboot, and I would’ve been interested!

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That Just Means I Have Impeccable Taste

Me whenever I’m reading some post on beauty/skincare products and the name “Kylie” gets mentioned often (without a last name, I should add) and this is who pops in my head:

I’m all, did one of my queens also release some skincare stuff? For all I care, she could put out a chocolate-scented glitter facial mask and all it would do is leave my face a sparkling mess and smelling like a Hershey’s morsel, and I’d still buy those masks by the dozen because that’s how I’d support the REAL Kylie!

Trash Vs. Trash

Welcome to UTF (Ultimate Twunt Fight), March 2021 edition! In one corner, we have a hypocritical meatsac sorry excuse of a human being who enjoys jacking off the smooth brains who worship Orange Hitler. In the other corner, we have some hoodrat (who also “raps”, I guess), who’s really trying to make us forget that she threw parties during a pandemic, admitted to drugging and robbing men during her stripper days, and also did this trashy ho shit (which is par for the course for her). All over a whack song I will never listen to because my time and ears are precious, and I’m also a demure lady.

Place your bets, people! Fair warning: no matter who you root for, you lose either way! Because while fascism-loving opportunists are one of the things ruining this country, ignorant, selfish assholes (and the ones who blindly celebrate them) who can’t do anything better than skank out every time are also to blame. 

Yeah, yeah, I know I adore some celebs who’ve been trashy at times. But compared to Crappi B, my faves are pure-as-snow saints. 

Also, the hell happened to Dlisted these days? 

Fuck Yo 2AM Hour (Again)

Me realizing that we (except for you guys in Hawaii and Arizona) will all be losing an hour of sleep in a couple hours and that it takes at least a day for me to adjust to the new hours BUT knowing I still have to wake up early for work tomorrow because I didn’t take Sunday off…

Daylight Savings Time in March usually doesn’t bother me, work-wise. But my temp job has me starting my shift early every day I work. So the time shift will be fun, except no it fucking won’t.

I swear, next year on Spring’s DST I will take that day off from work! Until then, I’m gonna propose a new law: federal holiday for all on Spring’s DST! Fuck all work that day! (“Way ahead of ya, honey”–you who work Monday-to-Friday jobs or don’t work at all) I cannot be the only one who wants to sleep in that day needs time to adjust to the new hours.

(Mis)Adventures In The Laundromat

****TRIFLING RANT ALERT!!!***

After the last two weeks, I just have one request. Actually, I have many requests, and one of them is: no more bullshit in the apartment laundromat, please!

Last Monday, the app I use to power the machines (our laundromat gets funded by PayRange as well as old-fashioned quarters) went down for over an hour. So I had to use coins, borrowed from my property manager whose office is next to the laundromat because I don’t have any quarters. My wait was longer than expected because I live with some lazy asses who like to leave their clothes in the washer long after the machine is finished. All five washers were “occupied” thanks to these lazy asses. Have some of these buffoons ever heard of a timer? It took one of them to gain a bit of energy to get out of their unit and move their clothes to the dryer, finally giving me a washer to use. Except I needed another washer. I usually use two washers (and dryers) whenever I do laundry. (I wash clothes and bedsheets/towels every week.) I complained to the property manager about the other “occupied” washers, and she ended up taking out clothes from one washer to help me out. (For the record, this happens when one tenant leaves their clothes in a machine for so long.) I can knock out doing my laundry in under a couple hours. That day, after the whole waiting and broken app ordeal, it took over four hours to get all my shit done. 

Then there was today, and, once again, I dealt with the lazy asses leaving their clothes in the machine long after they’ve been washed. And, because of that, all the washing machines were all taken. Again! That laundry app was working this time, but the waiting part still suuuuuuucks. (I also waited for two no-maskers in the laundromat to amscray outta there.) Yes, I’m that bitch who wants to get things done, completing laundry day right away included. I’d love to have a washer & dryer in my unit, and I’m sure seeing the PG&E bill from that will be as appealing as seeing Mom jeans being brought back in “style”. Plus, tiny studio and all. 

So, if the laundromat gods can hear me, I request that next week will be bullshit-free in the laundry! And the next week and the next week, and the next week…Or, better yet, laundromat gods, just give me a cool two million so I can move into my own little home (we’re talking Bay Area real estate here) and have my own washer and dryer and I don’t have to deal with lazy asses or no-mask fools around me. There, problem solved. 

 

 

I Don’t Forget

The conversation I had with someone who lives in my apartment building, from last June, regarding Covid…

Me (it went something along the lines of): I’m not going back to my regular job until this Covid thing blows over. 

Them: you know, I don’t believe the whole Coronavirus is real. I know God will take care of it and this whole thing will be over soon…

Basically, they were a Bible-thumping Covid denier. Who was reluctant to wear a mask, so that’s three strikes on them. 

Eight months later, my conversation with this same someone…

Me: I also got my 1st shot of the Covid vaccine.

Them: oh, I did, too. I got my second shot recently–

Ya know, if that someone was not one of the property managers of the apartment I’m in, I would’ve gladly brought up that thing they said back in June and really laid it on thick. This someone looks old but not 65+ old. Or maybe they are, I dunno. Even if they changed their views on Covid in those eight months (which looks unlikely since I still see them going maskless), what they said then really warped my views on this person whom I thought was cool. 

Also *RANT ALERT* the pandemic really shined a light in some people. Like a black light to a motel room. I look forward to late March when I’m fully vaccinated and the eventual time when we can live without masks again. (Although I’ll keep mines around during allergy season and when I don’t feel like waxing my ‘stache.) But even when all this blows over, I shall not forget all the fools who thought Covid was a hoax (and double that for the deniers who had the audacity to get the vaccine), all the ingrates who never bothered to wear a mask in public (even the “likeable” celebs–yes, I had to bring this up), all the selfish twunts who partied and took long-distance leisure vacations during the pandemic, and all the “politicians” who blocked any kind of pandemic relief and the dipshits who voted for them. Despicable, the lot of them. 

 

Think Happy Thoughts

I went to work today sleep deprived because the fire alarm in my apartment building went off at a time it should not have gone off (it was way before sunrise when it happened), and I’m surprised I didn’t crash into anything while driving. I think some Adam Driver stan cursed me with that fire alarm after what I said in my last post. Maybe my allegiance to Dame Joan Collins saved me. Today was bleh but it could’ve been worse. I could’ve also been one of those brain-exempt wankstains still holding a bunch of GameStop stock that I bought by taking out a $20K loan so I can stick it to those Wall Street fat cats and achieve my dreams of being the next Elon Muskrat (while ignoring my bank account sinking further and further into negative territory). But I’m not, thank goddess. 

 

 

That Bitch!

Aaaannnd that’s another one thrown out of my stud stable. What a fucking shame. 

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That sound you heard were the heads of Driver fans exploding on Tumblr and this subReddit over the news.

To Michael B Jordan, Jason Momoa, Jake Gyllenhaal, Henry Golding, and Aiden Turner (aka the remaining hos in my stable): please don’t stoop this low. Knowing how HoWood could be, however… 

At this rate, it’s gonna be only women and fictional men I’ll be fapping to. Which is actually fine with me, now that I think about it. 

Can I Eat The Rich Too?

When you’re kind of glad some people on Reddit exposed who the rich greedy fucks of Wall Street favors in their dusty playground (spoiler: rich greedy fucks) and made a hedge fund lose billions all because of GameStop shares, (of all the shares out there), only to realize that you weren’t one of those Redditors because you don’t know shit about the stock market, don’t have the dough to risk such an investment, and that the big earners from all the ongoing hoopla are a few rich dudes (and maybe some women too? I dunno) who had money to burn…

Also, I’m gonna be that bitch and say that it’s really foolish to think that someone who invested thousands of their money in GameStop shares is part of the “poors” who is “sticking it to the establishment”. (Oh, the things you read on Reddit sometimes!) If someone’s got four or five figures to spare to go play in the stock market and isn’t too worried if their investment in GameStop or AMC takes a devastating turn in the market, darling, they ain’t a poor, and that move is not rebelling against the establishment. It’s called just another day of investing. Get back to me when those money-burners find Spam too expensive and they set Tesla’s headquarters on fire.

Edited to add: this opinion piece on Business Insider tells it! And if BI (or any other website) tells you to disable your ad-blocker, Archive.Fo is your friend. Also, that misogynistic “marketing professor” can go wipe his crusty clacker with sandpaper. 

**UPDATE 2/3/21: After seeing the dust settling on this whole GameStop stock nonsense in the past few days, all that talk about Reddit “sticking it” to Wall Street from last week now looks more like media-driven sensationalism. It’s not a “revolution” when only a handful of Redditors (whom I’m guessing are well-versed in the stock market) gained something from the hoopla while supposedly millions of others posted losses (some of which are mind-boggling). And it’s certainly no longer sticking it to Wall Street/the establishment when wealthy investors with nine-figure bank accounts are also buying up GameStop stock. That narrative is dead. 

Unpopular Opinion alert: All those memes and tweets from last week hailing Reddit users as the glorious fighters against the fat cats can now be filed in the “Aged Like Milk” folder. There’s also a subReddit of the same name, but try voicing that fact there or in Leopards Ate My Face right now, and the downvotes and the delusional (who still hold onto their GameStop stock despite losing thousands (!!) from it all) will come. And it’s just plain as fuck pathetic. It’s pathetic because, besides them trying to hide from the truth, how many of those people who bought those stocks had real-life experience in investing and stocks in the first place? Watching YouTube videos don’t count! They got warned by those who knew the stock market but didn’t listen and kept posting “HOLD!” and those annoying-ass rocket and diamond hands emojis. And now those people are crying over being completely cleaned out. Whether they did so to get rich quick or stick it to the establishment, or both, it’s insane to me and, yep, goddamn fucking stupid. Yes, I’m aware some people are hurting financially, but to go the stock market route when they’ve never bought a share in their lives before?! They’re better off playing lottery tickets! I was naive to remotely think that the stupid would die down now that Orange Hitler is out of the White House, but the GameSuck (I’m not correcting this) saga of the past week showed that stupid will be with us for a little lot longer.

I am looking forward to the inevitable South Park parody of all this, however.