Raise One For Bretagne

Out of all the tributes on this now-20th anniversary of 9/11 (20 years already?! I was just a senior in high school then!), this one managed to warm my cold heart!

Pictured here is Bretagne (pronounced “Brittany”), with her handler Denise Corliss, a first responder, at Ground Zero. I first heard of Bretagne’s story via Reddit (*warning: the picture in the link will get you by the feels) and read more about her here. That she also was a search dog during Hurricane Katrina is proof that us wretched humans don’t deserve pups. She was the last 9/11 search dog standing until she went to doggy heaven five years ago. Like the victims of 9/11, Bretagne shall remain dearly missed and unforgotten.

Picture courtesy of Today.com

Farewell My Wisdom Teeth

Screen Shot 2021-09-07 at 1.45.21 AM

In less than ten hours, I’ll be having my wisdom teeth yoinked out of my mouth, and I’m likely to be out of it the rest of today. You best believe I stuffed myself for dinner like I was training for the Eating Olympics (which is also how I normally eat), because I also have to fast for this shit, and then switch to cold baby food for the next week or so. I also have to abstain from all my crispy, chewy, and spicy foods for a little while. But at least I never had to sell my nudes to finance this surgery! 

Also, um…as soon as as as possible possible?! 

The Shit I Missed

I had some entries that I was supposed to finish/write up, but Yours Bitchy got busy as of late. (“So what’s new?”–you). I’m also worn out from doing some moving crap (not moving out of my apartment, just moving my stuff out of a storage unit to another), and I’m back to making dat massage money again. So, I’m condensing all the shit I had no time to post about here.

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I had a long unfinished rant about Billie Eyelash’s (typo stays) quick 180 from Hot Topic poster child to bored brothel worker from the 1940s for UK Vogue. Then I realized that editing the word count of my story was the more interesting project to work on. All I will say about her new look and attitude for now is that she’s young, female, and in the music industry. And if you’re familiar with how that industry has done young female artists in the past 20 years, you should know what I’m talking about.

By the way, what is up with some of these chicks and guys today trying to be sexy but looking like the Unisom hasn’t worn off?! There’s a big difference between come-hither and straight-up looking like you need a damn nap. Marilyn Monroe would never.

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I’m bad for being very late in this, but better late than never to say farewell to Tawny Kitaen, who passed away this past weekend. Because I’m familiar with the sophisticated subject matter that is 80s/90s Bombshells, Tawny’s name, even if I go months without hearing about her, rings a bell with me. She was THE hottie for all those Whitesnake videos back in the day, people! Nowadays, chicks get labeled a hottie if they look generically hot and twerk on their TikTok. It remains to be seen if they can live up to Tawny’s legendary video vixen status, however. (spoiler alert: they won’t)

You know that’s also how she made her entrance into the pearly gates above.

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Speaking of unexpected passings (and here’s one for the TMFI files), pour one out for my vibrator. She quit on me at the worst ever possible time while I was using her, and if I have to tell you when that was, well, bless you. I tried recharging it (this was no battery-powered toy here) but to no avail. This is the last time I buy my vibes off of eBay! (I know, I know.)

In happier news, I got tipped a delectable $100 for this couples massage I did recently. (Vibrator-spending money–yay!) This couple is loaded–fancy gated home with a guest house that has three flat-screen TVs (!) in their living room (I know this because that’s where I massaged them) and all that good shit. My experience when it comes to tips from massaging “rich folk” is hit or miss, though. Some tip well, and others are pathetic AF tippers. For the latter, that’s one reason why those rich bitches stay rich. Luckily, the couple I saw was not one of those types.

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In happier news not related to me, my Butterfly Hello Kitty queen got her second shot last week! The Vaccination of Mimi has begun!

Pouring One Out For Fry’s

a fry's store

It’s the end of an era, y’all. If you walked into a Fry’s Electronics recently, its sales floor of near-empty shelves and totally-absent helpful customer service was, without question, the clear winner in the Bleak AF Retail Store Pageant (with Sears as the close runner-up, of course). But if you remember shopping there during Fry’s heyday back in the 2000s and early 2010s, you remember the good times. Electronics galore to make a tech whore cream, their mini home theater rooms where couples would makeout while some movie played IMAX-level loud, their actual good deals (I scored a 1TB internal hard drive there for $50 years ago, and that was super-cheap compared to the going prices of such items then), and, in certain cities, their quirky storefronts! (Pictured above is their San Jose location.) Basic-ass Best Buy could never do cool shit like this. 

It was also the only retail store where you can pick up a MacBook, a Blackberry Curve, and “Busty Brunettes #3” all at the same time, thanks to their oh-so subtle Adults Only section. (And, no, I wasn’t reading my Fry’s receipt from the Concord location back in June 2007, I swear.) 

another-proud-employee-of-frys-electronics

Look at that–even in the porno section, there’s an employee who proudly merchandises the area. I should’ve put that “fast, friendly, courteous service” to the test and asked whoever managed the pornos, “what’s the better recommendation for a dateless ho like me: Black In My Crack or Weapons of Ass Destruction?”

You will be sorely missed, Fry’s. But can you stay open for just an hour longer before joining Sports Authority and Toys R Us in Retail Store Heaven? I gotta see if you got some cameras for cheap. Better if they got that “Reduced Price” sticker on the box! (I lived for their “Reduced Price” items.) 

Farewell, Hammerin’ Hank

I know I’m over a day late in this (I had to deal with some unexpected shit yesterday when the news broke), but better late than never when it comes to paying respects to Hall of Famer, baseball/sports legend, and civil rights advocate Hank Aaron.

Ryan S. Clark of The Athletic and his take on Aaron’s career and legacy is miles better than what I would’ve said (because, I’ll admit, I haven’t fully followed his story outside his home run milestone):

…Many of us never saw Aaron hit a home run in person. We did not need to see that to fully appreciate and understand his legacy. Aaron was a Black man who made people feel threatened as he closed in on surpassing the shiny piece of Americana who was Babe Ruth as the greatest to ever hit a baseball over a fence. It all comes back to the fact that Aaron was unfairly vilified for simply living and working while Black, something that still goes on today…

…Hank Aaron had to be perfect. He had to do everything right with the idea that for some, he’d still be in the wrong. Even with that, there was a regality to his approach. It was knowing he always had to be “on” even when he had every right to not be. Yes, we celebrate the records and winning, but it was his dignity that made him so inspiring…You think, “He dealt with so much worse and did it with strength. Why can’t I?”…

Keep hammering those homers in heaven, Hank! You will be sorely missed.

An Iconic Figure In Television History

“Who Is Jeopardy host Alex Trebek?”

*sighs* Jeopardy will never be the same without him. That he kept working on the show while battling that eternal bitch-ass cancer showed his fortitude, and I never heard a bad or scandalous word said about him. One of the few truly good ones in entertainment, finally free from his pain. 

Rest well, Mr. Trebek. 

Pic courtesy of Vanity Fair

Farewell, Eddie

old school eddie van halen

Pic courtesy of this post

Tuesday was already a day to forget (for me, anyway) and then I hear of this. Awful way to go, but at least he’s now free of pain and at peace.

Even if you weren’t into rock music, if you knew his name, you knew he was a legend.

*sighs* Two of my favorite songs for parties, road trips, and strip clubs. (Although I’ve yet to see a stripper master the latter song.)

And for those who have a fetish for guitar solos, this will make you climax on the spot.

RIP and thanks for all the rad music, Eddie.

And you know he’s gonna enter the pearly gates of heaven like this.

guitar slide