Comfort In Chichis

I couldn’t find a fun thing to post here (that also didn’t have to do with the terrorist bungwipes getting shamed and arrested for participating in last week’s Fascistpalooza, as I want to avoid that topic for a minute) for the past few days. Just when I was going to file a theft report on Steve Harvey’s daughter for stealing Michael B Jordan away from me (booooo), another favorite subReddit of mine came through with a perky post on what may very well be the breast pillow ever!

And the company who makes these “most realistic boob” pillows with “100% mammary foam” (ahahahaha) must be after my heart and wallet. They look realistic–at least if you look at them like they’re fake titties. The pillow above seems to have one titty slightly bigger than the other and the “wide canyon” in the between, just like a classic stripper’s rack, so the company got the realistic part right. My all-natural swing-low sweet chariots can’t compare, but they do look like that after you’ve had seven beers.

Also, I cannot be the only one who reads the descriptions and think all of it was originally written in a foreign language and went through BabelFish for translation:

you feel very interesting, with curves contoured like those of a woman, creative breast boob pillow for comfort, it will be your best friend who brightens your mood…”

I dunno, if I were to nestle my head in the chichis of my bestie every time I need to brighten my mood (and that’s like almost every other day hour), she’d be questioning the hell out of our friendship.

The more I look at it (and I need to stop looking at it), the more I see its versatility. Think about it: you can use it to actually relax your neck or low back, do slut stuff with it if that’s your game, use it as a breastplate to scare or humor others, pillow fight with it, or display it in your home on the shelf as a work of art. Basic ergonomic neck/low back pillows be damned, for the MyTittyPillow has arrived to suit your many comforting needs!

Pic courtesy of the The Top Store

Haha On Yous

I’ve found a new subReddit to take delight in!

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The vile, oxygen thieving terrorists ruined what should’ve been a sweet Hump Day this week by staging Fascistpalooza (that’s what I’m calling it) at the Capitol. But it seems like some wrongs are being righted as we speak thanks to Bye Bye Job! The Uplifting News and Made Me Smile subReddits need to drop their names and come up with new titles, because all the headlines at BBJ actually uplift me and make me smile! On the flip side, now I really gotta watch my ass on this blog. If there’s ever a tool that can detect the real identity behind a blogger name and if posting endless pics of Irina Shayk becomes a crime in the near future, I’m screwed!

Oh, and there’s also Orange Hitler getting permabanned on Blue Bird. While it’s, oh, four years too late and it had to take an attempted coup for them to finally ban his ass, there’s always imagining how pissed off Tiny Hands is right now. I think there’s an artist’s rendition of it somewhere…

(I know there’s one with Chump’s head photoshopped in the GIF, but I’d rather not post his unfortunate mug around here. Name-dropping him is enough for me.)

**UPDATE: 1/13/20: aaaaand I got another subReddit (that particularly focuses on the Fascistpalooza dipshits) to take joy in! Squeeeee!!

Wooooooot!

Yes, I still say “woot” like it’s the mid-2000s again. And I was about to let Mr. Sandman do his thing so I can dream of Irina but I made the oh-so wise decision to dick around on the internet for “just a few more minutes”. Then I saw this:

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And, of course, the news is also the top Reddit headline at the moment.

Say it with me, everyone: Senate MINORITY Turtle Moscow Mitch. That’s got a ring to it! Also, fuck him for all eternity and I still hope he chokes on a Lego.

Most importantly: THANK YOU, GEORGIA!!! Thank you to all the peach state residents who voted and rallied for restoring democracy! And much thanks and props to Stacey Abrams, the true leader of Georgia!

My Boo

I’m about to hit the hay and I hope to wake up to some happy news about the Georgia Senate Runoff elections. Until then, I shall dream of today’s birthday hottie bombshell top member of my fantasy harem Irina Shayk throwing her bikini top on me and then some! (And then I wake up to my body pillow soaked with my slobber, then mope over not having the real thing yet again afterwards.) Happy birthday, Irina!!!

I Old

Things that will be 25 effing years old this year that I enjoyed when they originally came out:

Spice Girls’ debut album

“The Nutty Professor” (Hercules! Hercules! And the soundtrack was slammin’ too!)

“Hunchback Of Notre Dame” (hey, I was a pre-teen in ’96)

–the debut of “3rd Rock From The Sun” (and my crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt!)

–Aaliyah’s “One In A Million” album

“Independence Day”

Pop-Up Fucking Video

–also, these following shows: Moesha, Kenan & Kel, and Hey Arnold!

“Homerpalooza”!

–THE DAMN MACARENA DANCE AND THAT DAMN SONG (no link necessary)

–Fugees’ “The Score” album

“Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood” 

–2Pac’s “All Eyez On Me” album  

–Toni Braxton’s “Secrets” album

–speaking of, the start of my crush on Tyson Beckford after I saw him in Toni’s “Unbreak My Heart” video

THIS SONG AND VIDEO

–also this eternal bop and the video full of natural-looking babes (no fake titties and asses, slug lips, heavy makeup, and super-straight weaves?! Shocker!)

“Space Jam”!!!!

“Beavis & Butthead Do America”

–and, of course, this forever jam and the video that always gets me feeling FIERCE whenever I listen to it!

Just remembering all this had me sprout a gray hair or ten, but to those who say they’d rather go back to 2019 (why?) or 2009 instead of living in 2020 Part 5, you youths don’t know true halcyon days! Take me back to 1996 instead! Sure, I’d have to put up with slow-ass dial-up and that screeching sound from the modem to get the world wide web via Compuserve, but it’s not a bad trade-off when I could also enjoy all of the above and also a time when politics was less polarizing and when real supermodels graced the covers of my fashion mags.

My Kind of Happy Anniversary Pic!

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A celebrity couple that’s been married for longer than two years is considered an anomaly these days, so leave it to one of my favorite celeb couples (they’re only one of a handful–most celeb couples bore or annoy me), Ice-T and the always demure golden rose Coco, to show everyone how true boobs, I mean, love is done. That pic radiates all the joy and boobs and love and thigh and boobs and, yes, I must talk about Coco’s top. It’s like a knockoff of J-Lo’s infamous Versace dress but cut down to minidress size and more see-through so that the goosebumps on your areolas can also pose for pictures. In short, THE perfect anniversary dress! (What, you expected me to call it tacky? Have you just started reading my blog?)

Congrats to them, and may they have many more boobs, er, years together!

Freaky New Year!

It’s officially 2021 (aka 2020 part 5), and since it’s also Flashback Friday (which is what I do when I’m not around to post something for Throwback Thursday), here’s SF Giants legend and former crush object of mine Tim Lincecum blowing his champagne load on the cover of Sports Illustrated. (Yes, I had a crush on him, judge away.) Has it been ten years since that cover dropped and I rushed over to my nearest Safeway to buy that issue so I can squeal over those pics of The Freak in the comfort of my home? Lordt I’m an old.

Some things I hope to see this year: getting my Covid vaccines, Covid being reduced to something manageable and not horrifically serious, the SF Giants winning another championship, every single selfish brat who partied maskless and traveled a lot during this pandemic to get pelted by jagged rocks wherever they go (oh, and go broke, too), the New York Post to fold because of this and their other bullshit, the downfall of influencers and Instagram clones (dem thots all look disgustingly alike), the return of real, natural beauty and genuine personalities and riot grrl rock music (I know–random grouping, but they all go together if you look at it), Orange Hitler being dragged out by Secret Service if his hateful, ignant ass still refuses to leave the White House come Biden’s inauguration day, Moscow Mitch to kick the bucket after choking on a Lego, Georgia to go blue once more next Tuesday (please!!), and, of course, my dream career as a novelist to finally take off!!!

Listening To… (12/31)

Even though I had to work today (and it was a looooong-ass work day), I chose to be in the party spirit because it’s New Year’s Eve! And nothing gets me jumping in my car seat more than 90s dance music! Big-ups to those who found these oldie but goodie megamixes that originally aired for BBC Radio and uploaded them to the YouTubes. The added live audience sounds is also the tits. Welcome to my solo New Year’s party! (Yes, the same kind of party that I threw in 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015…)