Eating Like A Winner

There’s supposed to be a picture of my donut & coffee breakfast up there, but I scarfed it all down before I could snap it. I got hungry, honey. I got inspired to have a “winning” breakfast after reading what fuels my baseball team aka the team with the best record (currently) in the league, aka the team that doesn’t get as much love as the Bums and Padres thanks to biased buttmunchers like BSPN and MLB Network, aka the SF Giants, to win games. Not protein drinks or Wheaties or pure Colombian llelo (they’re not the ’86 Mets, now), but donuts!

According to The Athletic, those fried pastries of sugary, frosty, fatty good good could explain why the Giants are kicking ass right now.

Even manager Gabe Kapler, who never met an all-protein meal he didn’t like, understands the power that can be unlocked from a nice cruller or glazed old-fashioned.
“Fuel is very important to us,” Kapler said. “We only want the finest fuel in the bodies of these stallions. So I support doughnuts, particularly when they are of the cake style and even more particularly when they have a nice maple glaze on them and, finally, if they are enjoyed with a hot cup of black coffee.

“When we show up and there’s no doughnuts, it’s like ‘The Walking Dead’ in here,” third baseman Evan Longoria said. “People are zombies. It’s a staple you just expect to be in the clubhouse. Even in the minor leagues, I’ve rarely seen a clubhouse that doesn’t have doughnuts for day games.”

“I can be more of a connoisseur now,” (Giants’ director of team travel Abe) Silvestri said. “To me, it’s the ultimate pregame meal. It’s quick, it is stimulating. And we also take a lot of pride in our coffee situation. So I’d say our success is maybe 60 percent doughnuts, 30 percent coffee and 10 percent for everything else.”

The G-men are no strangers to waistline-expanding cuisine. My former boo Tim Lincecum had a high-calorie In-N-Out feast that would frighten many a nutritionist. Back in 2012, Ryan Vogelsong noshed on chicken enchiladas before he started; two years later, he’d have Super Duper burgers. Even current manager Kapler used to have 40 McNuggets during his college playing days (but took off its breading to make it healthy!).

And if you think the orange-and-black crew’s love for donuts is all for taste, think again!

For pitchers, the doughnut offers certain aesthetic attractions as well.

“Pitchers like foods that are shaped like zeroes,” right-hander Tyler Rogers said.

No, I didn’t get that quote from The Onion.