Versayce And Whores, Darlin’

I’m a sucker for high-brow, award-winning entertainment. So it’s only fitting that I celebrate the anniversary of one of modern cinema’s truest gems of camp and cuntiness: Showgirls!!!!

Released twenty-five years ago today (get your whorish, doggy chow-flavored birthday cake out), I actually did not view this future Criterion Collection addition (it’s not part of the CC yet?!) until 20 years after its initial release. I know–escandalo of me. But when I watched it for the first time, I was not prepared for the onslaught of such tacky, mesmerizing divineness.

I mean, Cristal ain’t lying.  

If you’re wondering what my skill level of pole-dancing is, it’s at Nomi Malone. 

That GIF is small but the laughs from this remain MASSIVE AHAHAHAHAHA

It remains one of life’s greatest crimes in the past 25 years that while Showgirls bombed hard in theaters upon its initial release, years later we would see not one but three shit movies based on a poorly-written, shit book series that romanticizes manipulation and abuse between a rich asshole and spineless virgin chick top the box office charts. That alone proves that society further devolved from the mid-90s to the 2010s and don’t fact-check me on that! But while all those 50 Shits books and DVDs continue to collect dust at your local Goodwill, Showgirls continues to prove itself enduring. HoWood can keep churning out endless remakes, sequels, and comic book movies, and none of those flicks will have the memorability and charm of this one line:

If you’re gonna celebrate Showgirls‘ 25th birthday today and your only viewing option for it is on VH1 (assuming they started airing quality programming again), I may have to splash some champagne aka holy water on your face Cristal-style. If you take joy in scenes being skipped, badly-dubbed lines, and coverups over the nude bits that look so damn crude, it…is fitting for the movie, go and watch the VH1 version. But you’re better off with the DVD or uncut version wherever you can stream it. Also, give a listen to the soundtrack. It’s the tits and will make you wanna lick a stripper pole.